Photoshop Fun

My friend Ollie made these for as an invite to my going away party. I loved them so much I wanted to share them with everyone. Enjoy!

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Update: Big Love

Due to recent events, I thought it was a good time to give you an update on one of my more memorable posts. Big Love (October 12, 2011) discussed the newest fad of dating in multiples, i.e polyamory. Polyamory is the best umbrella term I can think of when discussing dating in multiples because each situation can be set up differently and have it's own configuration. Triad is another useful term but it implies that everyone has an equal partnership when that's not always the case. The most common type I’ve seen is when one person has two boyfriends. Although I did know of a few true traids. In the original post I mentioned 5 new polyamorous relationships and since then 3 of the 5 them have broken up. In addition, more polyamorous couples have formed in the last 7 months but they all have later disbanded. It seems like life has gotten in the way and the fad is quickly dying. In most cases one member has left the arrangement leaving a 2some although not always the original 2some. When I look at the breakups I have mixed feelings. In general I’m not shocked when a triad breaks up. It’s like hearing that a celebrity is getting a divorce… It’s never unheard of. Yet I was surprised at which couples have survived and which have called it quits. Some of the relationships I pegged to fall apart quickly have survived and vice versa.

I still wonder if deep down everyone in the arrangement is completely happy. Like I said, most of the triads I know are situations where one person has two boyfriends. Does the #1 boyfriend ever feel replaced or like a third wheel? Does the #2 boyfriend feel like he deserves more then being treated like a cock sucking boy toy? Does the man in the middle give a shit what either of them thinks? All good questions that I would love to know the answer to. It is possible that everyone is happy and enjoying life, but I suspect there are some deep cracks in the foundation that no one wants to acknowledge. Only time will tell if they repair the cracks or if everything crumbles.

Are you excited?

When I tell people I’m moving, the question I get asked most is “So are you excited?” I realized early that any other answer other then a ‘yes’ is not a satisfactory. When I explain that I’ve been so busy and haven’t had time to get excited I can see the disappointment on their faces. It’s the truth though. Deep down I really am looking forward to moving and starting fresh. I expect time to go by very quickly as it will take me several months to really feel settled in. Once I’m there it will be great having a grocery store and gayborhood all within walking distance. Plus my apartment complex has two pools and a free gym. Those two swimming pools are going to come in handy because everyone keeps warning me about the heat. Yes it’ll be tough but waking up almost every morning to sunshine is priceless and come winter time I’ll be laughing it up in short sleeves as the northeast gets hit with another blizzard.

When I accepted the position in Texas it was like a countdown clock started. Six weeks to get my New England life wrapped up and moved to the Lone Star state. Now with my departure date only one week away my head is filled with a very long To-Do list of setting up delivery dates, changing addresses, sorting through possessions and saying goodbye to my friends and family. Everything in my brain is organized around three dates:

Wednesday 5/30/12- I leave Connecticut and start driving to Dallas

Monday 6/4/12- My first day at my new office in Richardson

Friday 6/8/12- I can move into my new apartment.

Between now and next Wednesday is going to be the busiest. I’m working in the office today because I have to return my computer and work station equipment now that I won’t be working from home. Once work is over I’m heading directly up to Albany NY for one last Bear Albany weekend. It’s going to be my last big party! Monday consists of a small Memorial Day cook out at my parents’ house and Tuesday is the BIG packing day because I leave bright and early Wednesday morning.

Once I start driving it should take me about 30 hours according to Google. I have two stops planned, first in Charleston , WV and second in Memphis , TN. I thought about playing it by ear and stopping when I felt the need but I decided against it. I wanted to have a specific destination for each day so I would know how many miles or hours I had left rather then thinking “Oh I have 26 hours and 5 states left to go before Dallas .” This way the trip gets broken up into 10 hour chunks. Also, although it’s unlikely, hotels could be all sold out by the time I get there.


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Random Memories

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

I've never purchased anything from Amazon.com because it seems like a glorified flee market. No I don't want to buy it used from Gary's Gadgets. The same applies to Ebay.

Kristen Stewart wore a black lace Marchesa gown to the premier of Snow White and the Huntsman. Somewhere a stylist is being shot.

On The Big Bang Theory, Penny works at the Cheesecake Factory. I assume the restaurant pays for the product placement so why does the restaurant set look like the 90's version of the Regal Beagle?

GCB was cancelled. God Dammit.

The TV Guide Network is trying to become a real network showing sitcoms minus the scrolling listings underneath. Their line up includes Caroline in the City, Designing Women, Ugly Betty, and Darma and Greg. My suggestions: Mad About You, Murphy Brown, and Perfect Strangers.

I'm starting to pack and get ready for my big move next week and I'm having to get rid of huge amount of stuff. I have yet to decide weather it's cathartic or heart breaking.

Facebook's IPO got a lot of buzz, but now that the company is trading publicly shares have had a roller coaster ride. That didn't stop Mark Zuckerburg from marrying Priscilla Chan over the weekend though. She looked very pretty and he looked like a slob.

Moving has brought a tremendous sense of closure.

Adele's cover of British Vogue was one of the worst selling covers in the magazine's history.

I realized that Andy Cohen from Bravo's Watch What Happens Live is Jack Mcfarland from Will&Grace. He starts out running a gay network and eventually is given his own late night talk show Jack Talk. 


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Booty Pop

A while back at a party the subject of the 'booty pop' came up. I was stunned to find out that many of my friends had never heard of it before. A booty pop is when you thrust your ample ass checks out in a quick motion. It's not to be confused with a 'booty clap' which occurs when you pop your butt out with enough force to make your ass checks clap together. In either case you need to have a big bouncy ass to make it work. Usually booty claps are only done by a fierce black girl wearing thongs. It's rare to find any white person with enough junk in their trunk to pull off the move. Enjoy!

New Music

Azealia Banks is the newest female rapper giving Nicki Minaj a run for her money. Her first single 212 is out now. Give it a shot. I didn't love it at first but it's slowly starting to grow on me.

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Footloose

My feet are big and have a striking resemblance to cement blocks. As you can see my feet are wide. EEE width to be exact. (Normal width is a D) That can make it challenging when I need shoes. I thank god that New Balance has consistently carried wide width sneakers. Dress shows however are a very different story. As wide as my feet are, they are also thick (with high arches). When I use the word thick, I mean the distance from the floor (or sole) to the top of my foot. Thick feet make it almost impossible to find cute work shoes. Let me correct myself, thick feet make it impossible to find ANY work shows. Another benefit of working from home was that I didn't have to worry about any of this. I took the picture below in Nordstrom's Rack and the black shoes are a size 12 Wide. That is as far as I could get my foot into it. Did I mention they were wide width? Not to be discouraged I shopped on. After 6 more stores I was discouraged. Dress shoes are not made to fit my feet and most times I can't even get my toes past the laces. I wanted to get a pair of brown and blue Cole Haan wingtips but alas it was not meant to be. Usually I have to find the most appropriate casual shoes that are designed more like sneakers. I had to settle for 'passable' Ecco brand casual gray sneakers shoes. I'll never be able to look dashing dressed up in a fancy suit with shiny wingtips. Le Sigh.

P.S. In case you didn't know or notice, yes I have two webbed toes.

Florence and the Machine

The first concert I ever went to was Kool and the Gang at the Oakdale Theater when I was very very young. Since then I've seen some very memorable shows but I wouldn't consider myself an avid concert goer. If someone I really like comes to town I'll consider buying a ticket but it's rare. Then after I've seen them once, I usually don't feel the need to ever see them again. For Madonna it took two tours for me to cross her off my list. In the past I've seen: Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, Madonna, Britney Spears, Barenaked Ladies, Pearl Jam, Salt-n-Pepa, the Cranberries, Marilyn Manson, Destiny's Child, Stone Temple Pilots, Hole, Nicki Minaj, New Kids on the Block (when they first came out, not the reunion tour) Jessica Simpson, Lady Gaga, and Tori Amos. I would see more shows but ticket prices are outrageous.  A ticket for a major artist can cost $100 for the worst seats in the house and over $300 for the floor. I can't justify paying hundreds of dollars for someone I don't absolutely love. For the record, the most money I ever spent on a ticket was to see Madonna. Worth it!

This past Friday Florance and the Machine came to Mohegan Sun and tickets started at $50. I love F+M and $50 is a perfect ticket price. Would I have paid $100 to see them? NO. Unfortunately I heard about the show late and all the tickets were sold out. Luckily two friends of mine, Bob and Jeff, are concert fanatics. Concerts for them are what cloths are for me...an addiction. They gave me the best insider tip: If a concert is ever sold out, wait until the day of the event to look for tickets. Specifically at noon or 4pm the box office usually released a lot of the seats they've been holding back for concert promoters and give aways. I was patient and waited until Friday on my lunch break. Wouldn't you know it, suddenly there were a plethora of seat available.

 

 

I didn't know what to expect from the show and therefore I didn't have an any expectations. The last concert I saw was Britney Spears' Femme Fatale tour at the Harford Civic Center and the only reason I went was because Groupon had tickets for $30. It was a fun show, but to say my expectations were low is like saying Antarctica gets a little chilly. I don't care that she lip synced the entire time because the point of Britney is not her voice. In all the words used to describe her, vocal talent is not on the list. I tend to go for show woth big production values. (Madonna, Gaga, etc) With that being said, I haven't seen a show from a performer who is truly a good singer in a very long time. When Florence Welch came out and started to sing I was stunned. Her voice is just as powerful in person as it is on the album. She was shockingly good. She didn't have to strain or force it, she simply opened her mouth and her power house vocal cords took over. Stunning. The set was art deco yet simple but Welch's personality and exuberance was intoxicating. She seemed generally happy and excited to be performing for us. I can't speak more highly of Florence and the Machine. If you are a genuine fan of their music make an effort to see them live. You won't regret it.

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Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay (& Swiss)

It's been a busy news week so far. The week began with news that North Carolina voters passed a (state) Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage. I don't know much about the Carolina's but I was surprised by the vote. Historically South Carolina is often pointed to as the official beginning of the South and therefore I assumed NC was a bit more liberal. As Rupaul said, "North Carolina that means you are up for elimination." The bad news was quickly followed by good news via President Obama. He gave an interview with ABC News officially coming out in favor of gay marriage. He left the door open adding that it was still a states right to define the law, but personally he supported the legalization of gay marriage. Bravo President Obama, you're headed in the right direction.

In other, much less important news, John Travolta is being sued by two unnamed male masseurs claiming he sexually assaulted them. The details are unclear but it sounds like Travolta made a sexual advance while getting a massage. The two men are listed in the law suit as "John Doe" because they are afraid of embarrassment and press coverage. That almost makes me believe their story even more. If they were just fame hungry trash trying to get attention their names would be plastered in every news paper headline. Of course that could change and they me be Monday's guest of the Today show. (I can also picture Travolta trying to get a Handy J from a muscled up masseuse.) A piece of advice straight from me to you John: "Girl, you better throw buckets of cash at these two guys because you live in a house of Scientology cards that's about to be blown down. I don't see this issue going away quickly if you don't."

Michelle Bachmann didn't want to be left out so she decided to make her own news. She announced this week that she has just become a Swiss citizen. Her husband (who's not gay but probably BFF with John Travolta) is of Swiss decent so her whole family decided to take advantage. Oh you crazy Swiss Miss Bitch.

FILF

I've got a long list of things to get done before I leave for Dallas. One of my bullet points is cleaning out my Facebook friend's list. I'm not trying to burn bridges (contrary to popular belief) but regardless of the move it's time to do some purging.  As I was looking through my list I started to notice some trends and similarities. Here is what I came up with. What type of friend are you?

The A Team: These are the guys and gals who have been there for you best and worst moments. True friendship that will last even if you move to Texas.

The FILF: (friend I'd like to fuck) We've all hit the friend request button based only on a cute picture. Does it matter that he lives in Seattle? No. Does it matter that you've never talked to him before? No. He's hot and you want to see him naked. Maybe the only reason he's on your friends list is because he has a huge cock and you want to keep the option open for a future fuck. That's all that matters. Hell, I tested the theory and got 100 friends using a picture of an unknown hottie I found online. Fact: Sexiness gets you places in life.

Family: Short and simple. Family members on Facebook. If you have kids I recommend not being their friend. Otherwise it's almost impossible to ignore the friend request of a cousin, aunt, or brother.

Friend-In-Law: These are your friend's boyfriends. Picture it: One of your (legitimate) friends asks you to come have dinner with him and his new boyfriend. It may be his true love or it may just the most recent freak of the week. Either way you leave the restaurant with a new friend request waiting in your inbox. Of course you accept because it would be rude not to... and of course when they break up a week later you're stuck with him and his constant calorie intake updates.

The B Squad: The bulk of your friends list is probably made up by the B Squad. They are fun people who you genuinely like but for one reason or another you're just not that close to them. This list includes bear event friendships, friends who work crazy hours and good old fashion shut-ins. When you're making plans for Saturday night they don't always get a phone call but you're glad when you run into them at the local bar.

Polite Friends: This can also be a large group. These are the people who aren't very important but it would make life awkward if you defriended them. A lot of work colleges, neighbors, and old classmates usually fall into this group. Coincidentally this group also tends to have the most security settings and blocks on Facebook. Sally the receptionist doesn't need to see the photo from your winning moment on underwear night.

WAY Friends: (Who are you?) They may only be a small handful, but when you scroll through your friends list you're surprised to see their picture. You stop for a moment and think, Who are you ? Maybe he was friends with that guy you dated for week last summer or maybe he's a FILF who's gotten ugly.

In the News Realness

She Finally Had the Baby Realness

Needles Winner Realness

$200 Million Realness

Kentucky Derby Big Hat Realness

Red Velvet Armadillo Cake Realness

Javelina Realness

 



















Gay Marriage Support Realness

Mouth-Watering Realness

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Kathy Griffin Is A Thief

I've talked about the reasons I started my blog before, but never where the name came from. When I start blogging I wanted the name to be Plan B, but unfortunately/fortunately the name was already taken. When I settled on the Gay Gasp, the term came from a Kathy Griffin joke. In her special Allegedly she talked about going to Afghanistan and eating in the mess hall. (It's about a minute and 15 seconds into the clip below) In a far away foreign country surrounded by the butchest of butch she still found her gay army fan. Amongst the hundreds of soldiers she heard the gay gasp, or as she refers to it as the gay inhale.

I'll always credit Ms. Griffin for inspiring the title and she may even be a secret Gay Gasp reader. If you doubt me I'll give you some evidence. She inspired me for the title but did I inspire her for the logo of her new Bravo talk show? Her new talk show premiered about 3 weeks ago with a logo that is strangely similar to my infamous childhood 'diva' pose. I'm not saying she stole it from me or that my pose has more flair... but the truth is the truth. See for yourself:

Obviously this is all in good fun. I wish Kathy well on her new show and maybe she'll stumble upon my little corner of the internet and become a fan.

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Joe's Spank Me Time: Local Edition

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The Killing Fields



Rosemont at Ash Creek

Late last week after I had spent hours online searching for apartments I felt more turned around and clueless then when I began. If we're friends on Facebook you may have seen me mention gun shots and theft in some of the reviews I was reading. As you'll see I was not exaggerating. On ApartmentRatings.com I had already seen plenty of reviews that mentioned questionable safety. Most of them talked about car break ins and vandalism. That's why I decided to look in south Dallas hoping to find something different and that's when I found the Rosemont at Ash Creek. From the official website the pictures looked nice and the prices couldn't be beat. When I read the reviews it put me over the edge! Below is a real review and I swear I didn't change a word.  

Rosemont at Ash Creek

2605 John West Road, Dallas, TX 75228

Crimes on property never makes the news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: -Anonymous-
Date posted: 7/19/2011
Years at this apartment: 2010-01-01 - 2010-01-01


There were a shot out on last night(7/18/2011).I happen to live on theses premises. I walked out to guns, guns and more guns. I politely asked the gunmansRosemont at Ashcreek waiting on some of our children to be killed. I can't wait to leave this place and wish this place on noone. This place needs to close down or be mowed down.I heard three people got shot. This happen right before my eyes , right in front of the building i live in. Every complex in this area comes to Rosemont to hang out. This place is so bad and getting worst. Lord, I pray you get me out of this place safe.

Last updated: 7/19/2011


Are you kidding me? As you can imagine this place did not make my list of places to visit but I wanted to post the review to show you some of the crazy things I was finding.

*Obviously I chose a much nicer and much safer complex in the heart of the Gayborhood.


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