Good Bye 2011

I've been reading a lot posts and status updates that say good bye and good ridence to 2011. It's seems that everyone had a rough year overall. Maybe I'm a ahead of the game but 2009 and 2010 were worse then 2011.  This year was a bit brighter and a lot of old doors were finally closed (and locked) for good. Either way we're about to welcome in 2012 and I hope it bring better days for everyone.

Now to some unfinished business. My first post of the year was The Horoscope Test. It detailed how my year would shape up as predicted by the stars and moons. Now that the year is over, I want to take a look back and check it for accuracy.

"Now that Chiron is finally coming out of your work sector this February after an extended seven-year saga of pushing every social insecurity button known to man, your work environment should be considerably less painful."

This kind of true. As I said, 2009 was my shit year... in large part due to my job at the time. So there is definitely truth to the seven year saga part. However, the seven year saga ended in mid 2010. Apparently I'm moving faster then the cosmos and my horoscope can't keep up.

"Between the end of January and June, Jupiter comes back to bless your sector of legacy and other people's money. You'll likely be gifted with a considerable karmic jackpot in the form of a donation, gift, inheritance or loan."

You won't be surprised to learn that this it totally false. No large gifts of money or wealth came my way in 2011. Horoscope #Fail

"Your love life is beyond rich and transformational again this year. After enduring a prolonged deprivation spell, where true love seemed like something that only happened to other people, your turn for real love has arrived. Chances are you're already in the midst of a very soulful tryst that began last year. But if you happen to be one of the remaining diehard hermits, get ready to experience one of the most intense romantic encounters of your lifetime. Your birthday season tops the charts in garnishing romance and pleasure, so be sure to take some time off to properly enjoy the amorous gifts of Venus."

Yes I've been had a 'prolonged deprivation spell, where true love seemed like something that only happened to other people' but I've kept that spell in full force. I was curious to see if in fact I'd find a great love on my birthday. The only thing I found was a man with a boyfriend. Even though I didn't find a new romance, I had the absolute best birthday of my life.

To conclude: My horoscope was total crap.

*If you'd like to read the full prediction, The Horoscope Test is still up under January 1st 2011.

.

Joe's Spank Me Time

Damn that's an amazing ass. Although the more I look at it, the more I question its authenticity. But it's still hot, even if it's fake.

The Acquaintance

When do you step in and tell a friend their hook up is positive? Do you step in at all? Do you mind your own business and say nothing?

Someone who I'd consider an acquaintance is HIV+ and he's not forth coming about his status. For the most part his health has nothing to do with me so I stay out of his business. That changes when he tries to have sex with my friends. That's also when things get complicated. I would always look out for a friend and warn him if I thought he was headed for trouble. But it's a tricky thing to warn someone about HIV. I would not want to say anything unless I was certain sex was a going to happen. One of my fears is that when/if I say something, it turns out that sex was never a consideration and I just outted this person for no reason. That would be a horrible thing to do. I'll give you a scenario to make it more clear:

Said acquaintance was at the Christmas party a couple years ago. I saw him flirting with a friend and my antenna went on alert.  For the most part I chalked it up to harmless flirting. Although I knew they fit each others 'type'. You never know how the night will end or if they'll make plans for a future hook up. I pulled my HIV negative friend aside and simple said, "Be careful and use protection."

It would be inappropriate of me to run around telling everyone he talked to "Hey, you better watch out for him..." Don't get me wrong, he has every right to flirt and be as social as he wants. If he wants to fuck the whole party, he is more then welcome to try. My problem is that he's not honest about it and my friends are being put at risk. If I knew he was upfront about his status I wouldn't give it a second thought. Unfortunately he doesn't always tell people and there are lines about condoms. That's a huge problem. It's not my secret to tell, but I'm not going to sit back and watch someone be mislead.

A devil's advocate would point out that it's everyone's personal responsibility to protect themselves. If everyone always wears a condoms, there is less to worry about. That's true, but would you want to look a friend in the face after the fact and tell them you knew ahead of time and said nothing? What would you do? Butt in and say something or stay out of other people's personal lives?

P.S. Please don't take this as a generalization that everyone with HIV is dishonest. The fact is, this acquaintance is the only person I know with HIV who's not upfront about it. Everyone else is truthful from the beginning and I respect them for their courage.

.

Merry Christmas

I'm a great gift giver. Not to toot my own horn... but Toot Toot! Because of budget, having a small family, and other factors, I only buy presents for my sister and parents. I miss coming up with thoughtful gifts for people so I decided to create a celebrity holiday gift list. If these celebs were in my life, here is what my shopping list would look like:

Oprah: Designing Women Season 1 on DVD. Oprah's OWN network is struggling. Every show is inspirational and thought provoking. BORING! Give me simple funny comedies. Cable networks survive on reruns and Oprah needs to jump on the band wagon. I suggest Designing Women and Murphy Brown.

Singita Grumeti Reserves

Kim Kardashian: A month long vacation at the Singita Grumeti Reserves in Tanzania. I like Kim K and the family, but they have suffered from over exposure. Let's be honest, the public is sick of them. She needs to get out of the spot light for a while. No cameras allowed.

Michelle Bachmann: A heterosexual man to love and care for her. That women needs a man to bend her over and fuck her brains out.

Will Smith: A year subscription to HungLatinoBoyz.com. Enough said.


Adele: A Turtledove Crystal Britannaia Skull Clutch from Alexander McQueen. Adele is a super star now and I'd love to see her step out with and edgy style. My ideal look for her is classic British style with a twist.

Lea Michelle: Humility

Angelina and Brad Pitt: A fake donation to the charity of their choice. They have everything, I'm not spending any of my money.

Charlie Sheen: A trany hooker with a hidden camera. I think it's time he had a sex tape.

Beyonce and Jay Z: A sequin ruffled hooded sweat shirt for the new baby.

Ashton Kutcher: A new hat. Ashton has never met an ugly hat he didn't love.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: A blow job. Trust me, it's the only thing he wants.

Osama Bin Laden: Oops you're dead. What's hell like?

Occupy Protestors: A shower and a shave. I totally support your right to protest and stand up for what you believe in. With that said, you've slept in a tent for 2 month... it's time for a nice steam shower with some lavender body wash.

.

Off The Wall

Question: What was on the walls of your childhood bedroom?

I was inspired by 1 Girl 5 Gays for this post. When I was little my bedroom had baseball theme. Surprising I know. My favorite color has always been blue and that was reflected in my room. My family moved when I was about 5 or 6 and my mother let me choose the carpet in my room. Navy blue of course! The walls were light blue with a wallpaper border featuring baseball players in various poses. My bedspread was even covered with a large image of a single player swinging a bat. I loved my baseball room but the one thing I always wanted was a race car bed. Sadly I never got one.

As I grew up I covered the walls with pictures of celebrities and boy band heart throbs. The main target of my affection was New Kids on the Block. Every inch of wall was covered in scotch taped magazine pages. (Jordan Knight was my personal favorite) I saw them in concert 4 times, once with Tiffany.

When I got a little older my parents wanted to paint over the blue and they let me pick the color. I chose neon green. It was bright and amazing. Once I grew out of NKOTB, I started to ripe out magazine adds that inspired me and taped them up in a neat grid pattern. This was back in the days of the famous Absolute adds. When I was done I had a full wall covered.  

When I got into high school I painted blue stripes on one wall as a feature wall. While the actual painting was easy, putting up all the tape was a pain in the ass. The end result was worth it though.

P.S. I spent the afternoon at my parents and I searched for pictures of my first baseball bedroom. Not a single one! I can't believe there are no pictures when I remember it so clearly.

.

Key Word: Thick

I don't know a thing about football other then it's the sport that has some of the sexiest athletes. Their bodies are so thick and juicy with tight pants that hug their asses and form fitting shirts that show off every fabulous curve of their bellies. Key Words: Football, Sexy, Meaty, Precum, Spank Bank, Bellies, Thickness, No Neck, Muscle Gut, Bent Over, Ass Slap, Beefy, I Can't Stop Starring At Your Butt, Kris Dielman should be naked all the time.

Post Script:

It's amazing how much time it took me to create this post. I think a total of 2.5 hours going to every football website I could find. Have you ever been to North Dakota University's sports site? I have. The funny thing is, all the football websites are set up like gay dating pages. They literally have a list of every player's height and weight. (Yes you can sort by weight)

.

Wishes

I don't consider myself a superstitious person, but I still make wishes. When I was little my mom told me to always wish on an eyelash. So whenever I find an eyelash on my cheek or finger I always make a wish. With that said, my main wish and goal has always been to have weekends off. For example I pursued my current job for two basic reasons. First it was not retail and secondly it provided the chance that one day I could be given a Monday through Friday schedule.

I remember the phone call very clearly. I was working for Oakley and helping a store in Boston. While at my hotel, I got a call from the HR rep offering the opportunity I had worked for over 3 years for. (It took me a year of interviews just to get hired for my current job) They offered me a five day 9-6 schedule with Thursday and Saturday off. I only asked one question: Is there a possibility that I could be moved to Mon-Fri at some point. She said yes and I accepted. Just to finally get out of the mall was a huge obstacle. My sites were now set on having weekends off. It sounds like a simplistic dream but it's the one dream I always had. Granted, I may hate having weekends off and go running back to a varied schedule, but I wanted the chance to try and be a regular person.

As soon as it was possible I put a Schedule Change Request in. They reviewed the request monthly and every month I would get a polite email stating: Your request could not be accommodated this month but it will be kept on file for next month. Over a year went by and finally a in mid December of 2011 my schedule change was approved. All those eyelash wishes finally came true!

An odd thing happened to me last week in front of my bathroom mirror. As I brushed an eyelash off my face I made my wish as always. But as I stood there staring at the long black lash on my finger tip, I had a strange realization. What do I wish for now? I really couldn't think of a new wish. There's always the default: "I want to win the lotto." But I like to offset that with a practical and achievable goal. It's a wonderfully odd problem to have. I need to figure out what my next goal is.

.

2011: The Year of Adele

I like to think of myself as someone who's on top of trends. Although I can't take credit or claim to be the first Adele fan, I definitly was ahead of the curve. (I first posted about the release of her album 21 it back on March 6th) I became an instant fan of hers 2 years ago after hearing her debut album 19 in the car coming home from a party with my friend Randy. If you haven't heard American Glory it's an amazing song. The world finally caught up with me and Randy and fell in love with Adele in 2011. 21 is the first album to be the number in both CD and digital sales. Rolling in the Deep, the first single, is the best selling song of the year. It's the first single to sell 5 million copies in 14 years. 14 YEARS! (the last being Elton John's Candle in the Wind in 1997) Her second single, Someone Like You also ended the year in the top 25.

She's an amazing talent who's stayed out of the lime light in recent months due to health problems. I wish her well and hopefully her recovery from her recent throat surgery is going well. I would love to see her give a big 60 Minutes style interview when she comes back. She needs to claim her crown for Musician of the Year.

.

Boom!

How many jokes can you think of?

This is your dick. This is your dick on elephant growth hormones.

Relativity doesn't always help your self esteem

Does he has lower back pain from carrying that around?

If he's a top, I'm gonna need a lot more poppers

On the right: The ant eater. On the left: The ant

"Yeah look at my big.... Wait, WTF is that?!?

When you whip is out in public, make sure you're a show-er not a grower.

The man on the left is pictured in the dictionary next to the word Show-er

When your dick's that big you don't need skills, technique, or even a personality.

Size doesn't matter when your sphincter and jaw are split in two.

Spotlight

L'Occitane

L’Occitane (pronounced lox-eat-on) is a French company that specializes in bath and beauty products inspired by Mediterranean ingredients. Their strength is their quality and products. When I worked there in 2004/05 I quickly discovered how well made each item is. Warning: The products are not cheap, but they make great gifts for mothers, sisters, and anyone who needs a little extra pampering.

L'Occitane was built and has survived on Shea Butter. Shea butter is a moisturizer that comes from a nut grown in Africa . If you have dry skin, this is a place for you. With 20% SB, the Shea Butter Hand Cream is the company’s best seller. It’s one of the best hand creams for sale. (Maybe even THE BEST) If you’re not a fan of lotion or moisturizer, check out their shea bar soaps. My favorite is lavender but they also come in Milk and Verbena. Milk is best for sensitive skin. Also check out their foot cream, it has arnica which is a natural anti-inflammatory.

If you don't like shea butter, L'Occitane has a lot of other unique gifts. Product categories include Lavender, Olive, Verbena, Almond, and Cade. visit: usa.loccitane.com

Shea Butter Hand Cream

Shea Butter Soaps

Cade (Men's) Collection

Verbena Candle

Lavender Gifts

Almond Body Scrub

Shea Butter Food Cream

Olive Face Cleanser

I Don't Eat That

I'm a picky eater. Tah Dah! (said with jazz hands) Some have said that I have the eating habits of a child. Yes it's true. I have such a strong aversion to new foods that in most cases I've never actually tried them. When I was little my mother never forced me to finish my dinner or eat something I didn't like. I guess that trend continued into adulthood. Eating is the one area where I have no desire to try new things. I'm perfectly content with my basic bland choices. There are a lot of foods I've never tried but here are some of the big ones:

The Big Five:

Chinese Food

Potato Salad

Macaroni Salad
Fish

Ham

To understand my food issues, you have to suspend rational thought for a bit. It all comes down to a couple basic points. The way food looks and smells in a major factor. Texture can also come into play. I'll start with Chineae food because that it the one that surprises people the most. Chineae food looks and smell absolutely disgusting. (The smell is also in my top 5 worst scents of all time) My thinking is: If it looks disgusting and smells disgusting, why would I want to eat it? Chinese food also represents a larger category of food that I dare not touch: "Ethnic." Mexican food is the most ethnic I get and even then it's only quesadillas. Indian, Tai, Vietnamese, and Japanese are an automatic no go.

Potato and Macaroni Salad are both on the list because they're cold food that should be warm. I imagine them being cold mush in mayo. Yuk. Next on the list is fish and it's rancid scent. The smell of tuna makes me gag. No explanation needed.

That brings us to ham. This one makes people laugh the most. When ham is cooked, it looks that way every other meat looks raw. Who wants to eat raw meat? Not I my friend. Again keep in my I said you needed to suspend rational thought. It really does look like a huge piece or raw meat though.

In general, if an item can be classified as colorful or full of flavor, most likely is not something I'd want to try. Also, I don't like when there is a mix of different textures. I detest nuts in brownies and cheese pizza is the only way to go (chicken is acceptable too)

By now you may be asking yourself "What does he eat?" Good question. I eat all the basics: Chicken, pasta, beef, turkey, cheese etc. I use the term favorite VERY loosely when it comes to vegetables but my favorite vegetables are carrots, broccoli and spinach. My motto for food is bland is always best.

The Best Awards. Part II

The Best Awards

-Personal-

Best Outfit: Summer White at J&O's Summer Party


Best Unexpected Trip: Going to Naples to visit my parents in February during a blizzard. To get a quick break from the snow and have the chance to relax in the sun on the beach was priceless.


Best Hotel Room: Boston's Omni Parker House


Best Gay Gasp Post: Fuck Listed


Best Free Concert: Salt-n-Pepa (Second item checked off on my Bucket List)

Best Gossip of the Year:  The summer party aftermath


Best Quote of the Year: "At least I didn't shit in your garage."


-Media-

Best Magazine Issue: InStyle October 2011 Featuring Ms. Piggy in an editorial fashion spread


Best TV Show: 1 Girl 5 Gays (Logo/MTV Canada)


Best Music: Adele

Best Exhibit: Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty. A total of 661,509 people attended putting in the top ten most popular exhibits at the Met. It also crossed of an item on my Bucket list.



Best TV Commercial:
Kia Soul featuring LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem



Best Movie: Crazy Stupid Love


Best Farwell: Oprah for the Oprah Winfrey Show


Best Website: Tumblr


Best Mobile App: Growlr


-Political, Global & Social-


Best Weather Knock Out: January Blizzards


Best Historical Moment: The repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell


Best Public Fuck Up: The Rapture on May 21 2011. The world didn't end. Oops.


Best Polictical Sex Scandel: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Was anyone surprised?

The Best Awards. Part 1

I am starting The Gay Gasp's Best Awards. A tribute to the best of the year both personal and national. As I started to list the Best of moment, Lady Gaga's name kept popping up. Therefore I'm giving her a dedicated post to recap the best she gave us is 2011.

Person of the Year: Lady Gaga

Best Magazine Cover: Vanity Fair January 2012 (which is released in December 2011)

Best Holiday Special: A Very Gaga Thanksgiving

Best Gaga Song of the Year: (Tie) Judas and Marry the Night.

Best Award Show Moment: Drag King Joe Calderone at the VMA's. Amazing!


Best Music Video Moment: The opening of Lady Gaga's Marry The Night video:

"I loathe reality. For example those nurses are wearing next season Calvin Klein... and so am I. The shoes, custom Giuseppe Zanotti. I tipped their gauze caps to the side like Parisian berets because I thinks it's romantic and I also believe mint will be very big in fashion next spring."

**Check back on Friday for the Rest of The Bests

Fat, Gay, and In Charge!

Wes (my sister's ex-husband) came over last Friday to pick up one of the pugs for the weekend. Kind of like divorced doggy visitation. As he was here visiting, he kept making tiny little snarky remarks and jabs at my sister. But of course it was all "just a joke." There was one comment that really pissed me off but I bit my tongue because it's non of my business. A little while later he made a joke about the "endless stream of guys coming in and out of my sisters room (now that's she dating)." That was the tiny straw that broke the camels back. I had enough.

Me: That's enough and don't say that to my sister every again. It's not funny and it's disrespectful.

Wes: WTF? It was a joke, calm down.

Me: I don't care, it's not funny. Don't say it again.

 

 

Wes LOST IT. I'll spare the long back story, but let's just say he has anger management issues. As I told my sister later, it was worth the risk of getting punched out. Someone had to stand up to him. I was also fascinated to see him get more and more upset as I sat there calm and collected. He got so flustered and angry that he left without taking a pug. I have to say I was very proud of myself. I am sick of "biting my tongue and being a doormat. Score one for me! My sister was surprised because she said she's never seen me get mad before. Honestly, it's extremely rare. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt or tell myself it's not worth getting upset. I used to think if you show your emotion then you've let them win. Fuck that! Sometimes in life you have to get angry and fight back.

Side Note: Wes' only comeback to me was about being gay and fat. As he got more upset, there were jabs like "Shut up Jabba the Hut," "I'm getting shit from a fat gay guy," and "Don't get your vagina in a twist." I was smart enough to keep my sassy tongue to myself. Although I WANTED to say, "Fat and gay? Duh! Come on, you can do better then that can't you?"

.

Joe's Spank Me Time