Private Parts

Privacy has been on my mind a lot lately. I have an open book policy when it comes to my life. (Obviously or I wouldn’t have a blog)  I realize that not everyone is as forthcoming as I am though. For example, a couple people have made it a point to tell me that that they don’t want their pictures featured on the Gay Gasp. I don’t blame them at all for the request and I totally respect their privacy. In each case I had not intended to do so, but better to be safe then sorry on their part. However, one thing everyone should know is that I try to be as considerate as possible when selecting pictures. If the post is about friendship, past memories, and anything generally G rated, I tend to use my own discretion. When it comes to any X rated content, I only use what I find on the internet. (90% coming from Tumblr) I almost never post a picture someone has sent me privately. The only times I’ve done so is for Joe's Spank Me Time Local Edition.  In each instance I’ve asked the person privately for their permission before posting anything. 

Privacy doesn't just mean pictures. I've also been very conscious of what I say and how much I talk about all the new people I've been meeting. When I lived in Connecticut I felt much more secure writing about the people around me. I knew them well enough to know what the boundaries were. Now that I'm in Dallas, everyone is just a pinch more polite and private. Everyone is still having a lot of sex, it's just kept behind a lot more locked doors. Even my love life has changed. At the moment I'm still single, but having someone special in my life has brought a constant smile to my face. But there again privacy is an issue. I hesitate to go into to much detail because I'm terrified I'll screw it up. The last thing I would want to do it hurt his feelings or loose his trust. It's a delicate balance. I want to be true to myself and be as open as possible while protecting the privacy of others. I wish I could wrap this post up with a lesson or a solution to share but I don't have one. It's a work in progress and to some extent I'm still making it up as I go along. 

However, if being a little more private gets me a sweet and caring cowboy, then privacy wins the war!

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Road Rage

I constantly hear people complain about bad drivers but I never see anything written about good driving habits. What is a bad driver? More importantly, what is a good driver? I suspect if you were to start the conversation with a group of your friends, you'd quickly find that everyone has a different idea of how to drive. I wouldn't consider myself a road warrior, but I'm as good an expert as anyone. The best general advise I can give is to be aware of and considerate of other drivers. However there are also some specific situations that need addressing. All of these tips are meant for normal driving conditions. (Gridlock traffic and congestion is a entirely different animal)

Use your signal lights: If you take anything away from this post, please let it be this: Please use your signals! That includes any lane changes. I'll repeat that incase you missed it; use your signal when you change lanes, merge onto the highway, or make a turn. A lot of people forget that other drivers don't know where you're going or what you're thinking. For example, lets say you are the first in line in the left lane at a very busy intersection. Your plan is to turn left, so when the light turns green you flick on your signal light as a courtesy to the cars behind you. Even though you used your signal, you're still an asshole. It would have been much better to put on your signal as soon as you pulled up to the red light. That way as other cars approached they can choose accordingly. They can choose to wait behind you through several green lights while you try and cross over 3 lanes of traffic or they can choose to get in the right lane and bypass the congestion. Use your signal light!

Pay attention to the cars around you. Why is it that cars love to drive in your blind spot? Especially when you are trying to change lanes. You may have you're signal on but they can't see it because of their unique position. I know they don't do it on purpose, it's just a case of being blissfully unaware of their surroundings. It's still annoying. It may sound like common sense but use extra caution in parking lots whether you're backing out or traveling up and down parking lanes. I work in insurance and you'd be shocked at how many claims come in from minor parking lot fender benders.
  
Tailgating. We've all been tailgated and it sucks. Additionally, we've all screamed "Get outta the way!" while being stuck behind a slow mover. There are two different tailgating situations: on an open highway and in congested traffic. Like I said earlier, road etiquette in traffic is different beast. Being tailgated in congested traffic has no easy remedy. If you're exceptionally nice you can try and move over to let them pass but that's being a better person that I have the strength for. However, if you're in the left lane cruising down the open road with no one in front of you for miles but a line a 10 cars behind you...take the hint. You're driving too slow and it's your fault you're being tailgated. Conversely, don't get mad when you cut over to the right lane and get stuck behind a slow moving Buick.

Get out of the way if you don't know the way. I'm a bad driver when I don't know where I'm going and I think that's true for most people. By the way, having a GPS does not mean you know where you're going. So the next time you're driving in a new city be extra nice. Wait until the road is completely clear before you pull out and pull over when needed to let locals pass by. No one likes getting stuck behind out-of-towners.

My car, my rules. If you ride in my car be prepared that I don't wear a seat belt. Save your breath lecturing me. I know I'll get pulled over, get a ticket, get arrested and die someday in a crash. I know! If you don't like it then get the fuck out of my car. When I'm a passenger in someone else's car I'll wear my seat belt if that's their preference. Their car, their rules.

30 Year Recap Part 2

Lets pick up where I left off. My high school years where generally uneventful. My survival strategy was to keep my head down and blend in. As I stated before although I was not out I didn't try and put on a false facade of pussy loving either. Therefore, I am proud to say I am 100% Gold Star Gay, I've never kissed, cuddled or fucked a girl. Being gay and single didn't stop me from going to prom though. I went to a Catholic school so they had a lot of random rules about a lot of random things. One of those rules was that no student was allowed to attend prom alone and forget about taking someone of the same sex. I would've like to go alone but instead did the next best thing and took my fag hag's best friend. I was however going to go to the prom on my terms. I wore a classic navy pinstripe suit with sneakers and a gold polka dot bow tie while dancing my ass off all night long. On the day of graduation, the keynote speaker was alumni and Waterbury mayor Philip Giordano. Later during an investigation into the mayors finances, the feds discovered he had been paying a local prostitute to bring her two children to the mayors office so he could molest them. Yes, Waterbury's finest graduated from my high school. The other famous alumni was impeached Gov. John Rowland. Score!

Picking a college was relatively easy for me. I wanted a school that was large and outside of Connecticut. When my sister mentioned that she had heard about UMass' gay residential program it sealed the deal. In the Fall of 2000 I started my freshmen year at the University of Massachusetts Amherst living on the 2 in 20 Floor. UMass has many niche residential programs including and international building, a quiet floor, and an all girls floor. I wanted to live on the 'gay' floor because I needed to be pushed out of my comfort zone. It was a wonderfully unique experience living with 50 other LGBTQQA students. We had a co-ed bathroom designed so to help Trans students feel more comfortable and a lounge that was expertly painted with pictures of gay cartoon characters. There were drag queens in the bathroom and lesbians fighting down the hall. It was truly a family atmosphere full of love and hate.

When I started college I was a virgin. In fact I hadn't even had my first kiss yet. Then came the internet... It was a time when Napster was at it's height and Gay.com chat rooms were all the rage.

I completely blame the internet for my path toward sex and sin!

Ha! Kidding. More appropriately, I wanted to find sex and sin and did it through the internet. This was also when I had my first boyfriend. His name was Matt and he such a nice guy. I had never had someone be interested in me before so the whole experience was sort of strange. Not strange in a bad way, but it was uncharted territory for me. The territory was so uncharted that it was 5 years until I dated someone else. Alas, we broke up after about a month but continued to be friends. College was a great time in my life that I will always look back on with fond memories. However, when graduation day came I was totally ready to leave and move on to the next chapter.

A funny side story about meeting guys online. I used to have a history of long drawn out crushes on guys I'd never spoken to or met. When I first signed up for Bear411 (around 2002) I came across the profile of the hottest guy I had ever seen. We chatted once briefly but he was several hours away in New London, Connecticut. I didn't even know where that was at the time. Years went by and I never forgot his picture or his smile. I always thought of him as 'that hot guy from New London.' (I'm horrible with names) As fate would have it, five years later I was at a local restaurant in Middletown Connecticut when he walked in. Again, I thought to myself "OMG it's that hot guy." I was introduced and reminded that his name was Justin. It sounds cliche' but everything does happen for a reason. He is now one of my very best friends in the world and to think it started with a little stalking 10 years ago on Bear411.

That little restaurant called Tommy's was where I met the key people I now consider my dearest friends. It's also the point in my life when I became the Joe you know and love. Although I may moan and groan about Tommy's, I am also very grateful to Frank and Stan for bringing people together. It made a huge difference in a crossroads moment in my life.

This feels like a natural stopping point. Especially because to tell the story of Tommy's is an entire blog post on it's own. :-)



A walk down memory lane

















Clockwise from left: (1) My very first roommate Brad half naked on Halloween. He was Hawaiian from Oregon and always bought magnum condoms. (2) An average Friday night of hair dying on the 2 in 20 Floor. (3) The UMass Drag Ball. (4) Me circa 2003-2004

The 30 Year Recap Part 1

My 31st Birthday is just about 2 weeks away.

I was born in Yale New Haven Hospital in Connecticut at around 2 am. I have one sister who is 4 years older. I tend to have a terrific long term memory although my short term memory is shit. My childhood was happy, unfortunately happy childhood's do not make for interesting blog posts so I'll give you the general highlights. I grew up in the East Mountain section of Waterbury Connecticut. We moved once when I was about 6 however our new house was/is walking distance down the road from the old house. I remember once of the neighbors had a Scottish Terrier named Scottie (not the most original name on earth) who would trot up and down the street so all the kids could pet him. The summer after 1st grade we went to Disney World on vacation and I got to meet my favorite movie princess Cinderella. The highlight of my summer came when she kissed me on the cheek.

As I said, we moved (See blog post 'Sweet Home Waterbury') down the road to a brand new house. My mother even let me pick out the carpet in my new room. I chose a nice navy blue color. If you can believe it, my childhood bedroom was decorated in a baseball theme complete with a wallpaper boarder circling the room with various players in various poses. Once school started I followed my sister to St. Mary School. My parents believe in God and go to church but I would consider them (or our family) as being a very religious. My enrollment in Catholic schools had more to do with a lack of quality public education then a deep religious belief. I remember walking up the two neighborhood hills to the bus stop. Often of the way to the bus I would practice my runway walk. (Yes I'm serious)

My early school years were pleasant and uneventful. All of my friend tended to be girls because I never had anything in common with the boys. As I got older and went through puberty I quickly realized I liked boys instead of girls and later came out to my parents in 7th grade. Like most swishy little gay kids I was picked on. I had been picked on to some extent my whole life. In kindergarten I got called a girl because it was before we knew the word gay. In 7th and 8th grade the popular guys would try to hit on me as a joke hoping I would fall for the prank and admit I liked them. I remember sitting in front of Al in 8th grade Spanish as he rubbed my ass with his feet on the back of my chair to the laughter of his friends. I was lucky enough that even at the age of 13 I was able to recognize the odd homo-erotic subtext of it all. But you have to remember, it was a Catholic school after all. These same boys also ridiculed anyone who wore corduroy pants because they honestly believed rubbing thighs would start a fire. I rolled my eyes a lot, even then. At this point I should make one thing clear. Yes I was picked on a child but I don't think I was singled out any more then the other kids. Children are cunts and everyone gets a shot at one point or another. I sympathize with kids today in the age of the internet because they have it a lot tougher then I did. It does get better.

In 8th grade I had to choose which high school to attend. Holy Cross or Sacred Heart. My sister had chosen Holy Cross although 85% of my classmates were headed to Sacred Heart. After nine years with this bunch I was ready for a change so I became a Holy Cross Crusader. I loved high school because it was easy. By then most of the name calling and bullying tapered off. Many of my classmates really didn't give a shit either way so I was able to fly under the radar. They were more concerned with getting drunk on the weekend. I wasn't out in school but I never pretended to be straight either. I knew if I pretended to like girls the general consensus would be "Really dude, you've got to be kidding?" So I stuck to being neutral while wearing metallic blue Doc Martens and participating as little as possible in gym class. Still to this day I barely understand the rules of football. Once during my sophomore year I tried growing long hair. Once it reached ear length I accepted how truly heinous it looked.

Stay tuned for Part 2 which continues High school into college :-)

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The News In Pictures

Starting from the top:

Mitt Romney chose Ryan Paul (R Wisconsin) as his VP running mate.

Michael Phelps is staring in Louis Vuitton's new add campaign. I'm normally not a fan of LV but the add looks great.

Miley Cyrus chopped her hair off and died it blond. Thumbs up! Now if she could only fall off the face of the earth.

Corey Feldman wore a shear shirt. I honestly didn't know he was still alive.

Happy 54th Birthday Madonna

Sanya Richards-Ross wore large Chanel earrings and flowing hair while running her first race of the 2012 Olympics. Sanya, you know the way to may heart.

Mark Summers and Myam Bialik were both in serious car accidents this past week. (separate accidents) Bialik blogged that she will be fine however she suffered a serious hand injury. Summers was quoted as saying the accident "whipped out half his face."



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Joe's Spank Me Time (Local Edition)

THE ULTIMATE HOTNESS 

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Gay Gasp's Guide to Life

 Here are 10 tips and tricks to help make your life better:

1. A bear paw has five 'fingers' and a dog paw has 4. Pay attention the next time you're buying bear paraphernalia (or getting a tattoo). I've noticed mistakes.

2. I'm over the big bushy hipster beard. Trim that shit.

3. Don't be a Facebook Lurker. A lurker is someone who's always on Facebook but never posts anything. They may hit the 'like' button or check in every once and a while but the last real status update was in April. Lurkers are a waste of space that feed off of other people's lives. I understand if work is particularly busy or if you are away on vacation but there is no excuse for consistent lack participation over a long period of time. Lurkers are useless. If you don't want people to know you're business get the fuck off Facebook.

4. 90% of the time you shouldn't use 'Reply All' when sending an email

5. Be there for your close friends when it counts. You may have ups and downs with certain friends but there are some life events that negate anything else. Death of a parent is one of those situations. I don't care what bullshit you have going on, step up and be a true friend. Go to the funeral, send flowers, or at least a message on Facebook. Do something. Believe me they will notice when you don't.

6. Don't add people to random groups on Facebook without asking. Suddenly I'm a member of Jack's Broadway Bunch. WTF?

7. The next time you're at a busy bar on a hot summer's day play a Christmas song on the Jukebox. My suggestion is "All I Want for Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey. It will make everyone laugh and it's also a really good song. *I have to give Russell and his roommate John credit for this one, they did it first*

8. Night time pool parties are a thousand times better then day time pool parties. Just an observation. Plan accordingly.

9. One of my new favorite stores is Home Goods. There is a nice one here in Dallas that is kept very neat and clean. Yes there is a lot of tchotchke junk but you can find some great deals. I got a lamp for only $18 and an end table for $20.

10. When your family comes to visit and stay over remember the following:

Will they be using the shower?

Hide shower shot's and other douching aids

Will they be using your computer/iPad?

Move or hide your naked pictures

Will they be alone at your home while you're at work?

Secure dildos, drugs, and Flesh lights

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Lost in Translation

I truly believe what you wear says a lot about you. Unfortunately the message can get lost in translation. Do you always wear bright colors or is everything in your closet black and gray? There is a large group of people who claim to be anti-fashion and there is an even larger group who chooses to put in no effort at all. Assumptions can be made either way but I suspect they’re not always correct. I am fully aware that my love of style sometimes gives off the wrong impression. The most common assumption is that if I love fashion I think a skinny waist is the ultimate accessory. Obviously not true. I love conducting mini social experiments in my everyday life. For example, I like to gage social interaction and approachability based on how I’m dressed. Every so often I decide to ‘dress down’ and see if my night is any different than a normal. My un-official theory: When I dress in cloths that I find plain, comfortable, and uninspired I become more approachable and more attractive to guys. Style and Flair can come off as unapproachable, vapid, and unfriendly. I’ve tested this theory numerous times over many years. Obviously there are hundreds of other factors that can come into play, but the results tend to be pretty predictable.

So why not dilute all my cloths down to average and boring? Even though I tend to meet more guys wearing a pair of baggy cargo shorts with a generic tee I still choose style most of the time. Fashion tip: Wear something that makes you feel good. (physically & emotionally) If you feel good, you look good. When I put on my slim fit powder puff pink shorts, a navy polo, blue and white striped belt (with matching flip flops) I have an extra spring in my step. You might get that extra pep from fancy underwear or your favorite Threadless design. Clothes should be fun and make you feel good about yourself. I realize there are still some of you that can't even conceive of thinking this much about clothing. You view clothes the way I view food, totally utilitarian. For those people, here are some simple tips to remember the next time you get dressed.

Fashion Tips for Everyday life:

Fact: People will compliment you on ugly clothing. Conversely, trendy or cutting edge can bring jokes and laughter from friends. I think clothes are like art: a strong reaction is better then ambivalence.

Don’t under estimate the impact of a great pair of shoes. You may not want to wear skinny jeans and hipster scarf but a pair of fun sneakers will punch up any look. Keep an eye out for unique or customizable options.

Buy cloths that fit you! That could mean going up or down a size but it’s worth it. Fit is my number one tip! So many people get hung up on the letter or number on the tag. Remember, no one knows the size other then you. Cut out the tag and lie if it makes you feel better.


You need to buy new cloths every so often. Men are lucky in that styles don't vary dramatically from year to year. However, that doesn't mean your favorite jeans look as good as when you bought them. There's a difference between faded on purpose and faded because it's old. Yes we can tell the difference. Buy new clothes.

The Greatest Stories Ever Told

The next great story takes place in Disney. It was Gay Days 2006. Gay Days, if you don't know, is an annual event when homos descend on Orlando Florida to party while showing their pride. It was my first trip back to Disney as an adult. I was lucky to have 13 friends along for the ride. There were many memorable moments during that trip but one in particular stands out:

At the time Disney World still had Pleasure Island which was a section of the Downtown Disney devoted to adult interests like shopping, bars and clubs. Pleasure Island has since closed down, but at the time it was a great time. We all went together but slowly disbursed as differing levels of intoxication took hold. Everyone found their way back to the room except for Kenny. (names have been changed to protect the guilty) He was partying like it was 1999 and when it was time to go home he realized that he didn't know which bus to get on. Somehow Kenny couldn't decode the puzzleof the busses and he ended up getting on the wrong bus. Although no one is at their best drunk at 2am. He didn't realized his mistake until after several stops when the bus was done with it's route for the night. Drunk, yet polite, Kenny went up to the driver and asked if he could make a special stop at the Boardwalk. The bus rest of the conversation reads like vintage 80's porn dialogue:

Kenny- Can you bring me back to the Boardwalk hotel?

Bus Driver- You're here for that gay event aren't you?

Kenny- Yes. I'll do anything if you can help me out.

Bus Driver- Anything? (he says as he unzips his fly)

Yes, Kenny ended up blowing a bus driver on a Disney bus on the side of a Disney Park road.

First, who talks like that? Second it's like the begining of a porn scene. One of those situations that never happen in real life. The irony if the whole situation is that the Disney buses are all free. He sucked dick for a free ride home on a bus that was already free. Not to mention it's Disney World! The employees are brainwashed into customer service perfection. Do you honestly believe he would be left alone on the side of the road to walk home?  I doubt it. The cherry on top of this delicious story. When asked the next day if the bus driver was at least cute, Kenny replied honestly "No, not really."

Love It!

Joe's Spank Me Time

#Daddy #Cowboy #Mustache #Dildo #Realness

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Sweet Home Waterbury

My parent's house, my childhood home, is for sale. Mom and Dad want to downsize and move to a local 55 and older community. It hasn't been easy with the real estate market's famous downturn.  In fact this is the second time it been on the market. My parents tried selling last year but were unsuccessful. At the time two other house on the street were also for sale.One of the competitors was a mirror copy of my parent's home along with a larger yard. After months of no offers they decided to take it off the market for the winter and try again in the spring/summer of this year. This year it was put up for sale again but with a new lowered price.

The price drop must have worked because last week they accepted an offer. They're happy yet very skeptical. The real estate agent has warned them that the offer is contingent on the buyers getting financing which hasn't been secured yet. Obviously I'm not a mortgage expert, but from what I've been told banks are being very strict with mortgages so there's no guarantee. Unfortunately Mom and Dad will have to wait several weeks before they know if the sale is legit. This is where my dilemma comes in. As I said, this is the house I grew up in. All my family and childhood memories happened in this house. I would be heart broken if I couldn't say goodbye. The timing is good because Labor Day is coming up and it would be a perfect weekend to head back to Connecticut. (although is squashes any plans to party with Punk and Brendan at Southern Decadence) However, my big hesitation is that the trip may be a waste of time. If the sale falls through I will have wasted precious dollars (that I don't really have) on a plane ticket. You may be thinking, "You should make the trip because they'll sell it eventually." That's a good point but not really true. My parents want to move but they don't need to move. If they don't sell the house by October(ish) their plan is to take it off the market for good and stay put. What to do, what to do? A war between budget and memories will have a lot of casualties. Honestly I haven't made up my mind yet. A month from today I may be celebrating my birthday in Connecticut with all my best buds, I could be in New Orleans getting drunk as a skunk with Punk, or at home is Dallas cuddling up with a Texas bubba.

P.S. Punk- I know you're reading this and thinking, "We haven't made plans for Decadence, we're not going." You've also said that in the past. But I know you... on that Monday or Tuesday you'll get an itch for fun in the Big Easy and you'll make it happen. ;-) That and I needed your name for some good alliteration.

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