Monday, May 27, 2013


Bland. Fin Average. Ok. Nice. Standard. Common. Beige. Boring.

Color has always had an emotional connotation. Red represents fire and passion. Blue is calm and cool. What about beige? When you think of the color beige do you get any emotion reaction or connection? If beige were a musical group, it would be the perfect album to fall asleep to. No you don't. For my color blind readers, beige is neutral tone in the tan family. It represents the ultimate neutral. Used a lot in decoration, Its best when paired with a stronger color. Beige is also a term that refers to a person place or thing.  That person usually shares many of the same characteristics. A dull non-offending soul that is devoid of any lasting impression.

Beige: Adj- Fitting in to the standard without any distinguishing uniqueness. Causes no strong emotional response. Dull. (Source- Me)

I used this adjective most often to refer to a person or event. A beige afternoon is one that's not good yet it's not bad either. Its nothing, its beige. I'm reminded of a Sex and the City episode when Carrie tries to figure out why Mr. Big is marrying Natasha and not her. She comes to the realization that Natasha is a pretty and uncomplicated. Carrie on the other hand represents passion, emotion, and complexity. Natasha is total beige.

There are several cliché ways of putting it but the lesson here is to have a personality. Have an opinion. That doesn't mean you should be a cunt or run around with in a Dora the Explorer costume just to stand out. I simply mean that you should show the world what makes you a unique individual. If you stand for everything, you stand for nothing. Your personality doesn't always have to come out verbally. Not everyone wants to be the center of attention or the loudest in the room. You can avoid beige by your actions. I remember the first time I met my friend Harry and learned his job was designing slaughter house equipment. Regardless of how you feel about eating meat, you have to admit he has a pretty interesting and unique career. It's one that you won't soon forget. On the flip side, how many gays have you met that work in IT?

A good test of your beige rating is to image a friend is describing you to a possible blind date match. What would he say about you? Here are some real descriptions of people I know:

Andy is an adorable guy who always has a smile on his face. He's into photography and has a deep love affair for weed and parties.

Jason loves drawing and artistry. Definitely take a look at his sketches if you ever get a chance. Little known fact, he has a degree in zoology and is also obsessed with animals.

Unfortunately having a severely quiet and shy persona can often lead to a beige rating. Sometimes that rating is justified because he or she really has nothing interesting to say or do. Other times there is personality and color lurking beneath the surface without a way of getting out. Do you find yourself standing like a stone monument at parties next to the one friend you feel comfortable with? I'm sorry to tell you, everyone at that party thinks you're beige. Either that or they think your friend hired a body guard for himself. In any case you've probably made a forgettable first impression. All is not lost though. Every new party or social gathering is an opportunity to show yourself. Every beige boy can turn it around and become the guy who is  "...a lot more fun than I thought."

If you're just too shy or really lack any noticeable personality then all that's left is your body. You better beef up and learn how to fuck like a porn star. Hot and fuckable always fixes beige.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Music Monday

Randy Jackson has announced he's done and rumors are swirling that all the American Idol judges are getting the axe. If anyone is listening, here are my suggestions for the judges table next season:

Stevie Nicks
P. Diddy
Jennifer Hudson
Courtney Love
George Michael
Missy Elliot
Lance Bass
Pat Benitar
Sheryl Crow
Toni Braxton
Kid Rock
Vanessa Carlton
Pepa (of Salt n Pepa)
Dave Grohl

While we're on the subject of music here is my suggestion for your Memorial Day BBQ playlist:

Young and Beautiful- Lana Del Rey
Selena Gomez-Come and Get It featuring Justin Bieber- #thatPower
Icona Pop- I Love It
Daft Punk featuring Pharrell- Get Lucky
Imagine Dragons- Radioactive
Kesha- Crazy Kids
Demi Lovato- Heart Attack
Taylor Swift- 22
Drake- Started From the Bottom



Sunday, May 19, 2013

Dallas is for Daddies

Every region has it's own unique quirks even amongst the bear community. For example Connecticut's bear community tends to be more chub centric where as New York and the big cities bring out the muscle men. Dallas is for daddies. If you're a hot older bear (45+) who's looking for 'love' then pack up your shit and move to Dallas. I'd say at least half the guys my age (25-35) in Dallas are into older bears as their primary type and some are totally daddy exclusive. FYI it would also benefit you if you were a top. I even know a couple no so young guys who share the daddy attraction even though they themselves have reached daddy status.

I'm surprised by the high concentration of daddy lovers not the actual love itself. I totally get the attraction to older guys and I've always been attracted to people older them myself. Even my friends tend to be about 10 years older then I am on average. I remember when I was little and my class would go on the end of the year field trip, I would always want to hang out with the parents instead of the kids my age. I'm just naturally attracted toward a more mature sensibility. Luckily now that I'm in my 30's I feel like my mental and physical age have finally caught up with one another.

Friendship is great but older guys are also built for sex. There is something so incredibly sexy about a mature bear with experience who knows what he wants and how to get it. Even better when he knows how to take it. Daddy bears have that perfect stocky build and their belly rests on your forehead while fucking your mouth. Ok... I might be getting off track here but you get the idea. Daddy bears are very sexy.

If you're a hot older bear or one your way to becoming one here are some tips to up your stud status. My first and most important recommendation is be proud of your age. Stay up to date with current trends but don't try and look younger then you really. There's a difference between feeling youthful and dressing young. In fact dressing too young with always make you look older then you really are.  Frosted blond hair and a sleeveless Abercrombie shirt are not cute on anyone over the age of 29. Wear clothes that show off your best assets. Masculine classics like polos, t-shirts, and jeans are going to add to your sex appeal rather then detract from it. Shorts are a great summer option but stay away from jeans shorts. While we're on the subject, avoid wearing jean shorts, black leather books, and white tube socks bunched over the top. That look is not cute.

If you're younger like me it's something to look forward to. The next 20 years will be filled with fun and laughter and thank god bears only get better with age. Seriously, is there anything sadder then an over the hill twink? Poor twinks.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Destination XL


I appreciate a good commercial. This one caught my attention because it's clever and days later I still remembered the name of the store. Very successful. How many time do you see a funny commercial but totally forget what its for. For example, remember that famous commercial set in an emergency room where everyone starts singing Tainted Love? Can you remember what it was selling?

Side note: In the final scene when to store name is shown, check out the super hottie in the the blue shirt and man bag.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013


Why is it almost impossible to find solid white suspenders? White, not tan or beige. White. Stores don't carry them so I might have to buy them from Amazon despite my hatred for that site.

I've come to the realization that Bravo president and host Andy Cohen is the real life incarnation of Jack McFarland from Will and Grace. Think about it... an over the top gay man somehow becomes a network executive and is then given his own ridiculous talk show.

While we're on the subject, Fashion Queen's (also on Bravo) is the real life incarnation of Men on Film skit from In Living Color.

Angelina Jolie announced she had a double mastectomy because she had a 85% genetic likelihood of getting breast cancer.

Happy Ending and Smash got cancelled. My boyfriend is devastated over the later.

Maxim came out with it's Hot 100 List and surprisingly Miley Cyrus topped the list. Really? Seriously?

Remember, when you like an old picture of someone on Facebook, said picture is then posted in the news feed of all your friends. Want to play a fun game? When a couple is newly broken up, go through and like a bunch of pics of them together. It'll be a news feed on awkward broken hearts.

I'm addicted to string cheese.


Saturday, May 11, 2013

Stories from A Chubby Shopaholic

Recently I've lost some weight. Not on purpose really but it's a result of trying to eat healthier. I've dropped about 20lbs and now all my pants and shorts are naturally too big. Therefore I set out today on a mission to find a reasonably priced pair of jeans and shorts. I tried Old Navy, the Gap, Target, and H&M. (I had coupons for Gap and Old Navy) I know sizing can vary from store to store but I was still shocked at what I found. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again... Try everything on. I used to be a 275lbs and a 40 waist. Now I'm about 255lbs and a 38 waist. My day started at Old Navy. In the dressing room I fit comfortably in 38 waist jeans that were on sale for $25 plus my $10 off coupon. Score! Designer denim has it's benefit but don't pay a lot of money if you're looking for just a regular pair of knock around jeans. You can find decent pairs for under $30. I also fit into 38' shorts at but they were $34 and that's too expensive for ON. Next was on to the Gap.  The Gap sizes were identical to Old Navy but that's not surprising because they're the same company. With a 35% off coupon I got a pair of solid gray shorts, size 38, and a baseball tee. Third stop was H&M. The European retailer has a known reputation for not being fat friendly but I wanted to give them a short because their prices are so low. I have an old pair of size 38' shorts from them that fall off me now. Just for shits and giggles I decided to try their 36s (which is now the largest size they carry) and not surprisingly they were to tight. For the record, I could button them and breathe but they were still too tight. I left empty handed. My final stop was Target for household items. While I was there I decided to give their clothing a shot. I found the cutest gray shorts with embroidered eye glasses on them. I fell in love! So I grabbed a pair of 38s and headed for the dressing room. I almost fell over when the 38s at Target fit the same as the 36s from H&M. WTF? I would think if any store ran large it would be Target. Not true. Obviously because the number on the tag doesn't matter, I snatched up the size 40 pair and headed for the registers. 

I still find it interesting though. Designer labels get flack for running very small. Much of that flack is well deserved but as it turns out discount retailers aren't much better. To help prove my point. In the picture the jeans on the left are my favorites from 7 for All Mankind size 40 and they were not cheap. The shorts on the right are the $20 Target Merona brand pair I bought this afternoon that are also a size 40. 

Like I said, try it on! 

On a side note. Now having bought gray shorts at Target and the Gap, the Gap shorts are going to be returned. ($27 vs $20) 

Joe"s Spank Me Time

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

An Open Letter to Madonna

Dear Madonna,

This year marks the 30th anniversary of your first (self titled) album and your appearance at the punk themed Met Gala on Monday inspired this letter. First let me say that I'm a huge fan. Huge. You're one of the few performers who can truly be called an icon. When you hit the red carpet in New York I loved every inch of your look. Now normally in my open letters this would be the part where the tone got increasingly negative. However that's not the case this time. This marks the first time I've written an open letter to someone for praise and admiration.

You may be wondering after all these years why I am writing you. Why now? Really I just wanted to say keep up the good work. You have reached a level of success that can only be compared to a small handful of musicians many of whom are either dead (Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson) or retired. You are in uncharted territory for a female performer. After a career spanning 3 decades you managed to have the highest ratings for a Superbowl halftime show ever. Granted you may not be as relevant to a 14 year old as Rihanna, but Rihanna wouldn't exist with out you. Britney Spears tried to follow in your foot steps but crumbled under the pressure. You're level of sanity and pose is rare and commendable.

Lets get back to your look at the punk themed Met Gala. A Tartan plaid blazer embellished with gold studs? Glam Punk Realness! Straight black hair in a classic bob? FIERCE! Ripped fishnets and pink pumps? Shante you stay! You are redefining who a 54 year old women should be. I just have one favor to ask? DON'T FUCK IT UP! Please resist any urge to be a reality show judge. I'm sure American Idol would throw buckets of money at you but the last thing you need is to get into cat fights with Nicki Minaj. Reality TV cheapens a celebrity. Yes most are cheap to begin with so there's no compromise but you have standards. So keep up they good twerk.

Sincerely Yours

The Gay Gasp

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Of Vice and Men.

There's one question I get asked quit often, "So what's your vice?"

Let me give you some background to help you understand. When I go to a bar or house party someone inevitably notices that I'm not drinking alcohol. I guess my Aquafina bottle stands out in a crowd. I then explain that I don't drink that often because I generally don't like the taste of alcohol. (Beer and wine are the most disgusting of all boozy beverages) I add in that it works out well because I can be the designated driver for my friends. Satisfied with my reasoning the curious friend moves on with the conversation. Then someone offers weed to the crowd and when I politely pass all eyes are once again on me. "So wait... you don't drink, you don't smoke, What's your vice?"

Yes its true. I'm not a big drinker. On occasion, for example my 30th Birthday, I'll party and do shots like a champ but for the most part I prefer water or soda. Alcohol just doesn't taste that good to me. Weed (aka pot aka marijuana,whatever the kids are calling it these days) doesn't have much appeal to me either. Most of the reason I don't smoke weed is the actual smoking. Smoke, regardless of the source, is a turn off. You can correctly assume that I'm anti all the harder drugs beyond weed. Although I don't partake in these party favors, I don't hold it against anyone who does. Like vaginal sex, its not my thing but if you want to do it I won't stop you.

Alcohol, especially beer, has become so common in our society that people can't understand how I can live without it. Then again, I guess its the same as how I look at people when they tell me they don't own a television. So I don't drink and I don't do drugs. What do I do? I spend money. I spend the most money on traveling. Whether its a bear event in Missouri or a trip home to visit family. I spend a lot of cash on airline tickets. A close second is shopping for clothes and home decor. I've been able to contain my shopping tendencies in order to have more money for my travel budget.

So the next time we're in the pool together and you offer me a beer or bong hit, don't be offended if I decline. You can be sure that I bought my bathing suit new just for the occasion. A bathing suit that easily comes off even when sober.

New Balance #Truth

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Pretend Home Buying

I had an idea for a post about what I would do if I won the lotto. For example, I was going to show you the car I would purchase, the vacation I would take, and the home I would buy. The first thing I investigated was home for sales. I love the neighborhood I live in and this is where I would stay if I could have my choice of homes. So I got on and started searching. Then a funny thing happened... I couldn't find one that I fell in love with. I thought pretend buying a home would be much easier, especially with an unlimited budget. 

The two front runners, if I had to pick something, have a difference in price of over a million dollars. First I should explain that I want a condo or townhouse with at least two bedrooms. I should also remind you again that this is fantasy land. (If I ever bought a condo for real it would have to be a small one bedroom) The biggest requirement I have is probably location. Like I said, I want to stay in my current neighborhood. Otherwise I categorize many of my tastes as preferences over necessities. Things I pay attention to are, curb appeal, kitchen, bathrooms, location, and size.

Home A

Price $2.49 Million
Size: 5255 Square feet
Floor plan: 3 Beds 6 Baths
Address: 3520 Blackburn St, Dallas TX

Pro's- The main reason this is on the list is because I LOVE the ceiling detail. It has amazing curb appeal too.

Con's- It's too big. I do not need, nor do I want a home that's 5000 square feet. It's just too much house. Also the kitchen is very unimpressive and I don't like the location. It's more toward the older snooty Turtle Creek section and farther from the Cedar Springs fun gayborhood section of town.

Home B

Price $689,000
Size: 3425 square feet
Floor Plan: 3 Beds 5 Baths
Address: 4219 Throckmorton St, Dallas TX

Pro's- Location, location, location. This townhouse is in the heart of the gayborhood and only about a block from the bars and restaurants. A wonderful white kitchen also helps... a lot.

Con's- Still a little large, but more manageable. There aren't many bad things to say about this one other then it seems to lack uniqueness. Both the outside and inside look bland and generic. If this home had the outside and ceilings of Home A, it would be a slam dunk.

The more I look at them I'd probably go with Home B if I had to choose. It's location and size are great and the kitchen is the closest to what I would want. (Remember the kitchen is the most expensive room to remodel) For my Connecticut readers, I already know where I would live in if I were back home. I've dreamed of living in one of the condos at Blue Back Square since they were built in West Hartford.