Sunday, June 30, 2013

Forbidden Love


Do you have a dream outfit or look that you've always wanted to wear? Ok, I can already hear everyone responding with a resounding NO. Well I have a dream outfit and it so simple yet so hard to achieve. First we start out with the crown jewel and center piece of the look: A silk woven/knit tie. You know the kind that are cut straight across at the bottom. They make my heart swoon. Pair that with a relaxed oxford shirt that's either short sleeve or rolled up to the elbow. Clean khakis, a canvas belt and Sperrys finish off the look to give a New England claim bake via J.Crew feel. At this point you might be wondering why my dream has never become reality. Why have I never even owned a square cut knit tie? The problem is in the shirt. (My sexy big guy readers already know where I'm going with this one)

I have a thick neck. A very thick neck. So thick in fact that its disproportionate to the rest of my body. Well disproportionate when it comes to buying shirts. My shirt/neck size is about 19-20. According to the standard sizing guide on Macys.com that size shirt has a 56-58 inch chest size. My actual chest measures in at about 46 inches. Tah-dah! So I must make a Sophie's style choice. Fit my body and say goodbye to wearing ties or fit my neck and wear a circus tent. I have always chosen body over neck and that brings us back to my dream knit tie look. It was just not meant to be. I was not built to wear a tie. Dressing up is my biggest fashion weakness and whenever I have to rise to the occasion I pull out my handy sweater vest to distract from my unbuttoned collar. I'm a t-shirt and shorts bear. But hey... at least I look good naked.

One addition note: The shoes are also a big problem. Sperry Topsiders go great with this outfit but in general they don't fit my wide feet. I also included a picture of the Cole Haan wingtips that are my ALL TIME FAVORITE DREAM SHOES... that also don't fit my caveman style feet. Come on CH can't you start making them in wide?!?












*P.S. I appreciate but do not need any advice or help with shirt size and shoe size. I'm an Olympic level shopper and believe me when I tell you... I've been there and done that. I've looked into all the options. Yes, I've also bought the enormous shirt and brought it to a tailor to be taken in and almost completely re-sewn. Believe me it didn't look good.  

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

A Historic Day

History was made today when the Federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was ruled to be unconstitutional. It means that if you are legally married in one of the allowed states, the Federal Government must offer you the same rights and protections as it does to straight couples. The war is not over but this was an enormous victory. When ever I hear about victories in the gay right movement I have mixed feelings. I am happy for the victory but a little angry that it took this long. Back in 2010 when Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed I wrote a blog titled In The Navy. I'll use the similar words to sum up my feelings: 

"Basic Civil Right issues like this always make me laugh a little. I just picture our children being shocked that gay people were not able to [get married]. Just like we look back at Rosa Parks and are astonished that she was not able to sit in the front of the bus. It's seems so simple and such a basic right, how could the government be so behind the times? The analogy could be made 100 different ways. Women's right to vote, interracial marriage, etc...all of these very difficult fights are now so common they almost seem out of date. Oh, and remember when Shannon Faulkner dared to enroll at the Citadel? That too was going to ‘bring down’ the military like gay marriage is supposed to bring down society. Hopefully [gay marriage] will go the way of all the others and become everyday and common place. The way it always should have been. When we are finally awarded the same rights as everyone else I imagine the general consensus will be "Well Duh, it's about time." So with that I applaud the Supreme Court for bringing the country into the 20th century." 






Monday, June 24, 2013

A Bad Day for Butter

Paula Dean's career is crumbling after a Pandora's box of racism was opened last week. Deen has created an empire including restaurants, tv shows, and books all based on her high calorie southern cooking. I first heard the story through chatter on Facebook. From the headlines, I surmised that Deen was under fire for admitting she has used the N word. At first my reaction was the everyone was over reacting to a minor controversy. Using the N word is never good, but unfortunately its still quite common.




That was my first reaction...

Then I started to read up on the details of the story and my opinion quickly changed. After reading a couple news articles it was clear that this was not an isolated incident but rather the tip of the iceberg. The whole story started because Paula and her restaurant company are currently on trial after allegations of racism and creating a hostile work environment. If you think that's shocking, it gets worse. On top of that, many of the article's provided a long list of past quotes that dig her racist ditch even deeper. She talked about her great grand father and how he was so devastated after his slaves were set free that he was 'driven to suicide.' She also wanted to organize a plantation themed wedding with an all black staff because she had gone to a restaurant with all black waiters.

To quote Deen: "“The whole entire waiter staff was middle-aged black men, and they had on beautiful white jackets with a black bow tie. I mean, it was really impressive. That restaurant represented a certain era in America…after the Civil War, during the Civil War, before the Civil War…It was not only black men, it was black women…I would say they were slaves.” (source Huffington Post)

You've got to be kidding me right?!? Now you're referring to waiters as slaves? Come on! This reminds me of Larry Craig. If you don't remember, Craig was the congressman arrested at the Minneapolis airport for cruising in men's room. His defense was blissful ignorance and that he didn't realize he was giving off cruising signals. I would've believed that until I learned that was not the first accusation of homosexual behavior. Throughout his career he has been accused and caught up in gay rumors and controversy. Similar to Paula Deen, one instance or story may be an stand alone situation where you made a bad choice. However when you back that up with several more stories... now you have a solid case. Sorry Paula Dean, by the powers vested in me by myself, I hear by declare you a racist. *Bang my pretend gavel*

There is a whole separate side to this story because after the fall out she was fired from the Food Network and dropped from several endorsement deals. There has been an outcry of support from fans saying she shouldn't have been fired. New flash... Yes she should have! I whole heatedly support her right to express her views and opinions. However, you can't say whatever you want and expect no consequences. If I walk up to a prison inmate and tell him to fuck off,  I'll be lucky if he only kicks my face in. Do I have the right to say it? Yes. Is it a smart decision? No. Sorry Paula you fucked up and unfortunately the higher you are the farther you have to fall.

A couple final notes:

I lump her in with other people like Donald Trump who are half racist and half idiot. Regardless of my opinion, I have to give Paula Dean some advice. She's handled this scandal terribly. Doesn't she have a PR person? First she cancelled a pre-scheduled interview on the Today show. Then she released a video apology that felt insincere and as uncomfortable as the shitty office and desk chair she was sitting in. She should have done the interview and faced her critics. If you run from your mistakes the public won't forgive you. Remember Hugh Grant's now famous interview on the Tonight Show after being caught with a hooker? He owned up to it and had a hit movie soon after.

If you want to support Paula Deen that's your business. Honestly if she starts to handle the controversy better I think she can come back from it. However, don't get all high and mighty and start chastising people for eating at Chick-fil-A because of their anti-gay politics and then turn around and tell us to give Paula a break. Just because Paula sounds sweet with her southern charm doesn't make her any different. Now that I think of it, that would be a good career move. She should partner up with Chick-fil-A as their new spokes person. Million dollar idea y'all. Gasp!




Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Slut Test

When you're gay, it's difficult to gauge your slut status based on straight world standards. Here is a test made for homos. If you answer YES to more then 4 questions below, odds are you're a slut:

Have you had sex with more then 30 people? 
Have you ever cum in a bar?
Have you ever had sex in an adult book store?
Have you ever been double penetrated? 
Have you ever fisted on the first date?
Have you ever had sex at work?  
Have you ever bought an ugly hooker?
Have you ever been and ugly hooker? 
Have you ever had the thought "Damn that feels good! I wonder what his name is?"
Have you ever placed or answered a Craigslist add?
Have you ever (seriously) referred to your asshole as a 'man pussy?'
Have you ever had group sex? (I define a group as 4 or more)
Have you ever had sex with 3 or more people on more then 3 separate encounters in one day?
Have you ever needed to replace a sling because the old one was worn out?
Have you been in profession porn? (professional= you got paid)
Do you prefer to fuck bareback? (top or bottom)
Do you own more then 2 cock rings?
Do you keep a running Excel spreadsheet of everyone you've ever slept with?
Do you have a favorite brand of poppers?
Do you have more then three 'hook up' apps on your phone?
Do you have condoms, mouthwash, and lube in your car...just in case?
Do you own a dildo that is more the 7 inches long or more then 2 inches wide?
Do you get mad when a guy doesn't swallow?
Does the staff at your local bathhouse know you by name?
What percentage of the photos on your phone are pornographic?
Are you in an open relationship that your partner doesn't know about?
When you hear the word 'business trip' does your mind instantly think of anonymous hotel sex?
Is it impossible to take a screen shot of your phone's photo album without a naked picture being included?

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Monday, June 17, 2013

Cuteness Overload

video
I try not to overload my blog with the overly cute and lovey dovey stuff between my boyfriend and I. He makes me the happiest I've ever been. However I also realized that no one wants to read a blog with post after post of uncensored happiness. Like pictures of your children, its only cute to the people involved. Why is it so much easier to identify with pain and heartache? Its the basis of Pop music and Kelly Clarkson's career. Anyway back to me... with all that being said, I couldn't resist posting this adorable video Russ made on Sunday morning. It cute and adorable like a basket of puppies.

Note: the video was made using iMovie. It's an amazing app. 

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Stoners: A Love Story

Some attraction is very conscious and obvious. For example, if your belly peaks out from under the bottom of your shirt I'm going to take notice. I also love when I can see your butt crack. That's something I am consciously aware of. However some parts of attraction are a lot less conscious. They are the qualities that drawn you toward a particular man. Let me explain what I mean: Picture you are at a bar and you are introduced to a group of hot guys from out of town. Objectively they all have similar traits of being husky, bearded, shaved head, and broad shoulders. However for some reason you are naturally more attracted to Bear X over his friends Bear Y and Bear Z. What's that unspoken attraction or quality? This post is dedicated to one of my (many) unconscious attractions.

When I was in high school I had a major crush on straight boy. Come one, we've all been there. His name was Tony and he was a year ahead of me. I swooned the first time I saw him my freshmen year and the crush lasted until he graduated three years later. He had chin length hair that he would tuck behind his ears while wearing anything that didn't look too new. He may have been in the band and he definitely didn't play sports. He was a stoner. Unbeknownst to me he would lay the pattern for a life long unconscious attraction to stoners.

Why do I like them so much? I'm not totally sure. There's just something about them that I've always been drawn to. If I had to guess I assume its their relaxed easy going nature and their love of a good time with friends. Plus they're almost always in a good mood! That's a great combo. Happy and relaxed are at absolute top of my (unconscious) attraction list. Who wants to fuck the nervous jittery guy? Or the hot chubby guy who looks lifeless and miserable all the time? No thank you. I actually know a guy who is super cute with an amazing body but I don't think I have ever seen him smile. Even at the funnest parties he looks like his dog just died. That kills so much of my attraction. (I'm not saying I'd push him away... but you get the idea) Give me a chubby Seth Rogen any day of the week.

"I thought you didn't smoke?"

Yes, that's correct. I don't smoke weed. As I've said in the past, whether its cigarettes or weed I have nothing against smoking. Its just not for me. A lot of that is because the actual act of breathing in smoke is very unappealing to me. Yuk. Now if you baked weed into some delicious brownies or cookies... we may be able to make a deal.

P.S. If you ever want to get on my good side, feed me first. A full belly is a happy belly.

P.P.S I never know whether to call it pot or weed. I always think I'm saying the wrong one and outing myself as terrible uncool.


Wednesday, June 12, 2013

What Makes You Hard?

My recent post If You Think I'm Sexy dealt mostly with situational and circumstantial sex appeal. This time I'm going to put all that aside and focus mainly on the physical. What turns you on when you look at a man? You might be won over by a cute face while others just look for body and physique. If you didn't already know, I tend to be fickle. I can list half a dozen of celebrities I hate for no reason. When it comes to sexual attraction the same rings true. One random feature, unimportant to anyone else, can be a total boner killer. Conversely an otherwise unimpressive guy can instantly win me over with an equally minor feature. If I'm honest there's not always a  rhyme or reason to my thinking either.

As I started to write this post, I made a list of all the features that turn me on. My list includes but is not limited to:

Erect erasure nips
A big round belly
A belly that hangs over the waistband 
A meaty ass
Good skin
Low hanging egg size balls

Broad shoulders
A thick neck
Shorter is better

There's a lot of common traits aren't on my list because I don't have a strong preference for them either way. For example, race isn't a deal maker or breaker for me even though its the end all for some. We all have that one friend who's dick only gets hard for ________. (fill in the blank with any minority group, Asian, Latinos, etc) In addition, although I'm a bear you'll notice body hair is not on my list either. Hairy or smooth? I don't care. I only have one requirement when it comes to fur. Please don't be super hairy and super skinny. I just can't do it and neither can my penis. Skinny and hairless is cool. If you're fat and hairy come sit on my face. But if you're a 28 waist and have a permanent angora sweater the best we'll be in Gurl friends.

The other point I should make is that the list above is by no means complete nor a requirement. Like I said, I'm fickle. If you have one or more features then you're off to a good start but it doesn't guarantee access to my dick. You might have the hottest belly and the thickest neck but if your body odor punches me in the face, I'M OUT! In the same vein, you might have nothing listed but your charm and sex appeal puts me over the edge. People often under estimate the power of charm but I'm the biggest sucker for it every time.  Every time.


P.S.
I realize that Good Skin might stand out as odd amongst my list of thick and round qualities. It's true though. After selling skin care for many years I notice when a guy has nice clear
soft skin. My friend Gates always comes to mind when I think of soft skin. That wasn't the only reason he had/has access to my dick, but it definitely helped. 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Life Lesson: Tough Love

 Life isn't easy and sometimes it can down right suck. Here are 3 Tough Love moments brought you by yours truly the Gay Gasp:

1. I have little tolerance for people who complain too much that they are not hot enough or not someone's type. Guess what, there is always someone hot who's not going to be attracted to you. "But its hard to be a chaser when everyone likes bears." That's true, but here's another hard fact. It's not easy being a bear amongst bears either. There are a lot of people who aren't attracted to me. Yes, I fit into the standard bear mold physically but when I open my mouth silk chiffon flows out. My flamboyant tendencies can be a real boner killer for the ruff and tuff 'masc' gays. I'm a fashion loving bear with flamboyant tendencies and that's not going to change and I'm ok with it. If a guy isn't interested, just move on to the next. Don't think your life is any harder then someone else's.You never know what shit they have to deal with. Stop wining and have fun.

2. No one can ruin your life unless you let them. We all go through very difficult times especially when dealing with love and emotions. When your heart is broken, it can be devastating and takes time to heal. With that being said, he can only ruin your life if you let him. I went through a bad couple years while dealing with some friend messiness. It was the most depressed I had ever been in my life. However my life wasn't ruined. It took time but I got over it. (and I'm proud to say we're still friends) My situation was unique because no one involved did anything wrong. It was simply a matter of miss matched expectations and feelings. Even if he did 'do you wrong' there is a point where you need to either move on from the pain or go get professional help. You look just as bad when you're still visibly angry and trashing him 5 years later.

3.You know that friend who is always outrageous and fun when you're out partying? Have you ever noticed that he can't keep a job or a boyfriend and is a general fuck up in his real life? A guy with a stable career and well adjusted life usually is not the one dancing on the bar in his underwear every night. Yes we all have our trashy moments but when you're 45 and getting cut off every night by the bartenders at 11pm... I doubt you're going to work on Monday as a CEO. Don't misunderstand,  I'm not knocking these guys. They're a a ball to hang out with and provide endless Instagram inspiration. Just realize that when they ask you if your company is hiring, lie and tell them no. (20 something guys get a hall pass on this one because that's what you're supposed to do when you're 20)

P.S. The Growlr conversation pictured is real and posted with permission by my BFFs.

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Monday, June 3, 2013

If You Think I'm Sexy

Sex appeal is tricky business. There are many different factors that can effect a man's hottness. Obviously most guys you find attractive are cute and fun to talk to. But then there are guys who are only sexy due to specific circumstances or situations. This post is for that latter category of men. Here are the many different types of sexy.

A Fetish Fuck- A lot of people have one or more fetishes. It can be as simple as a beard or as complex as balloon animals. I'll use the example of big biceps. Lets say you get insanely turned on by guys who have huge arms. Its not a requirement for everyone you sleep with but a guy with bulging biceps instantly goes to the top of the list. Fetish sex can be incredibly hot. However tunnel vision becomes a big problem as well. As you lust over his arms, you're ignoring his rotten teeth and nasal spray addiction. I was hanging out with a bunch of friends a while back got in a ridiculous conversation with a guy. It took every ounce of strength I had not to role my eyes in bitchy condescension. How did I get through it? In my head I kept reminding myself, "His dick is real big. His dick is real big. His dick is real big."

BDB Sexy- As you know, BDB stand for Bad Decision Bear. There's a point when you're so horny and desperate that your standards start to drop. Everyone has at one point or another sucked a dick they were not proud of.

Steam Room Sexy- This can also be known as Bath House Sexy or Sauna Sexy. SRS is the lowest level of sexy. The only reason you're giving him a second look is because he's naked and within arms length. Have your ever heard the phrase, "Well I wouldn't kick him out of bed..." This is the ultimate version of that. Someone once told me "There are guys I've hooked up with in the steam room that I would never admit to in real life."

BWA- Best of What's Available- There isn't always top shelf ass available. Sometimes you have to visit the B, C, or even D leagues. These are guys who you have a genuine attraction to but who'd you'd also drop at any hint of something better. He may be boring or have a slight limp but compared to the everyone else in a room he's a 10. This happens a lot when you are traveling to rural areas. When you're visiting your parents in Wyoming for a week there may only be 2 guys within 100 miles. They get a consideration because they have no other competition.

Spit Roast Sexy- You find a guy, a really hot guy. You've got a wet spot on your leg from the precum.  A night of non stop sex is almost a lock until he mentions that he has a partner and they only play together. Son of a bitch! The partner comes over and at best he's a 5 on a generous day. However you know you have to go through the ugly one to get to the super hottie. With only a few exceptions, sex with a couple almost always involves one guy that's a lot hotter then the other guy. Tip: get on the bed doggy style and make the ugly guy eat your ass as you suck off the hottie. You'll get all the good and none of the bad.  Win win.

Mr. Congeniality - Sex appeal is just about looks. One of the biggest make it or break it points is someone 's personality. I've always been turned on by confident men, whether its the out going extrovert and the cocky jerk. Humor and intelligence might be the keys to your chastity belt. It sounds cliche, but most of the people I find the sexiest have both looks and charms. Boring and beige is my biggest boner killer. I've even known several people who I had no attraction to at first sight but over time, as I got to know them, my attraction grew because they were a great person.


A special note:  The men pictured are hot, no circumstance or explanation needed. They are from my personal collection of sneak attack pictures and have nothing to do with the categories they are places next to.

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Saturday, June 1, 2013

My First Year in Dallas


I arrived in Dallas one year ago today to start my new life as a Texan. Instead on boring you with all the details of my first year, I decided to show you. Here is a look at year one: