Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I have a lot of ideas and thoughts that are interesting but not strong enough to fill a whole blog post. Here are some of my random thoughts:

1. You may already have a Bucket List of life changing goals you want to one day accomplish. But I doubt you have a Minor Bucket List. A MBL is a list of frivolous goals you'd like to do before you die. Minor items could include beating a new video game or finding the perfect jock strap.  Here are some of the items on my Minor Bucket List:

-Go Titty Bar. I'm curious to see what a female strip club is like.
-Have someone write a "missed connection" on Craigslist about me
-Have a date/kiss for midnight on New Years Eve

2.Shopping Tips: Buy clothes in August. Starting now, many clothing stores put their summer merchandise on clearance to make way for back to school season. Get to the stores now while the sale sections are filled with good options in your size. You can get some great deals buying at the end of the season. Also check a store's website for additional colors and sizes. The other bonus of August is that later in the month many states have a tax free shopping week. Hint: don't try and double dip your saving by trying to buy clearance during tax free week. By the time tax free week comes along much of the quality clearance items will be gone.

3. Kristin Stewart has no taken Meg Ryans place on my "I hate you for no reason" board. I've never liked Kristen Stewart mainly because she always has a disinterested stink face on. Now comes the news that she cheated on her boyfriend Robert Patenson with a married man. Thank you KS, now I have a legitimate reason to hate you. (Meg Ryan had the same story line with Russell Crow and Dennis Quaid)

4. If you enjoy watching gymnastics at the Olympics, you'll remember 1996 in Atlanta when the US women won the team gold metal. It was the year of Kerri Strug's famous vault. It's her team mate Shannon Miller who got my attention recently though. Miller is one of the most decorated US female gymnast of all time. I was shocked to see a current picture of her. With a short brown bob she looks unrecognizable! When NBC interviewed her my first thought was, "Who the hell is she?" Shocking but a big improvement. It also looks like she got her teeth done. Thumbs up.

5. I saw Batman: The Dark Knight Rises. It was good, but my only suggestion is that you watch Batman Begins first. I missed Batman Begins and therefore was a little lost during some parts of the movie. If you missed the first installment like me, you'll still be able to follow the movie as a whole. There are just some back stories you'll miss.

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Joe's Spank Me Time (Local Edition)

Every so often I like to feature incredibly hot guys who I actually know. This is Trent and as you can see he's a Canadian uber hottie as well as an all around nice guy. This picture will definitely be part of my spank bank.

The Harem Effect (Part 2)

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The Harem Effect

What's your type? As in what type of man are you attracted to. In my case I consider my type to be a general preference rather then a steadfast rule. However some people have a type that's etched in stone. So predictable that you can pick potential tricks out of the crowd and score 100%. Types can include: hairless asians, firm bellies, young and hung, young and chubby, white boy next door, latino, barely legal twink, guidos, daddy bears, and of course midgets. Some guys go after partners that look exactly like themselves while others are attracted to their opposite. Fat and skinny, young and old etc. In these yin and yang cases I've noticed the phenomena of the harem. It's best described by example: We have all been out when you see a gaggle of gays walk in. Upon further inspection you notice that one of them is the obvious 'center of attention' and everyone one else just buzzes around. (aka minions, groupies) The straight world equivalent would be Hugh Hefner and is 10 barbie look-a-like girlfriends. In my world, most often you'll see a king chub surrounded by his harem of eager chasers. (There's probably porn with the same story line) Side note: If you want to play a fun game, get everyone drunk and sit back and watch the harem fight for the attention of their master. HI-Larious! I've always tended to notices harems when there are obvious physical differences. However the phenomena may be more common. If you think about it, a group of steroid muscle bears could easily be a harem but when the master looks exactly like his minions it's a lot harder to pick out.

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The Dallas Top Ten

Where have I been and what have I been up to? I wanted to take some time and get a little personal and give you the 411 on my life in Dallas so far. If you are new to my blog or blissfully living under a rock, about 2 months ago I moved from Connecticut to Texas. And it's worth mentioning I'm not one of those people who constantly moves from coast to coast every couple of years. Life in Dallas is new and exciting. I won't bore you with every little detail...but here are the highlights. The Dallas Top Ten:

1. A few people warned me that Dallas was bitchy. I've found quit the opposite to be true. Everyone has been very friendly and welcoming.

2. A shout out needs to go to Brendan (aka Bubbles) who has been a great friend by introducing me around town to a lot of people. I can tell the whole town really loves him. Big hugs to Bubbles! The best of Brenden: "She named her pussy Rihanna because she likes to get it beat up!"

3. I met my first Gay Gasp reader who was not a friend from Facebook. Hey Jay! (It should be mentioned that we've since become FB friends) Also, his partner Stephen has the greatest French accent.

4. I have a crush a boy. Believe me when I tell you I'm not known for having a successful love life. Sex has always come easy but romance not so much. We were introduced very briefly at TBRU this year and re-met at the local cowboy bar in town once I moved. I won't bore you with the mushy details except to say that he makes me smile in every possible way. He plays sports and has a not-so-secret love for show tunes. To say he's hot is an understatement and he looks shockingly cute in every picture ever taken of him. Seriously!?! You are so photogenic ;-D

5. One of the things I love about Dallas is that the bars are filled when I go out on the weekends. Even on Show Tune Tuesday at Woody's there was a decent crowd. Dallas readers won't understand what I'm talking about. But my Connecticut crew knows that if you go to Frank's Place in New London on a Saturday, you'll be drinking with a ragged drag queen and a spunky lesbian.

6. Work, work work work work. I really like my new job. No more talking to customers all day long. No more talking to customers ever. Mostly my job consists of a lot of clerical and computer work. Thumbs up!

7. Having nothing to do with anything: I realized an odd fact the other day. When I drove here from Connecticut I passed over the Mississippi River and missed it. When I say I missed it I mean I didn't realize it at the time. I would have totally stopped and taken a picture. (Instagram!) How could I have missed it?

8. Dallas gives off a great first impression. I'm consistently surprised by how polite and friendly everyone is to one another. Like everywhere Texas has different clicks, but none of the them hate each other. Or if there is hatred, it's kept quiet and covered in a polite Hello. When I first got here there where only a couple people I knew. From what I knew of them I didn't think they would get along very well. Much to my surprise the general reaction was, "Oh yeah I know him, he's a great guy." I've been told that my newness has a lot to do with it. Everyone assures me that this is a false impression and the cracks will begin to show. I'm not so sure though... I suspect what they consider bitchy and hatefully is a warm conversation between friends in New England. How many times have I been at Tommys when there is open hostility in the room. I mean who can forget Stamford Steve's famous tirade to Fruitloop? (if you weren't there it went something like this: "I can't stand you, and for the next hour I'm going to list all the reason's why.")

9. I really miss all my friends in Connecticut although I don't miss Connecticut the state yet. I love the place I'm in but I want the old crew. My dream come true would be if everyone from CT decided to move to Dallas!!!! So all you Connecticut readers... start looking for jobs and apartments now. Ha! In reality, what I see happening is that if I stay in Dallas I'll just fly home a lot for quick visits. In a related note I signed up for United Airlines' frequent flier program.

10. Minor Dallas Observations: They still use styrofoam, recycling hasn't caught on, I can't find Margarine in a tub, pool parties are a way of life here, every tv show is on an hour earlier, and there are dozens of other fast food choices (Chick-fil-a, Church's, Jack n the Box, In and Out Burger, Whataburger etc)




*A side note on the photo: It has nothing to do with anything. I've had it saved more over a year hoping to work it into a post and I've never been able to. Just enjoy it in all it's randomness.

The Greatest Stories Ever Told

I'm starting a mini-series of the funniest stories I've ever heard or been a part of. For the first installment I'll start with one of the more recent escapades. Picture it, Mystic 2011. It was the 4th of July and a party was in full bloom: As it was tradition,everyone descended on Casa de GPS for the annual summer bash. Food and alcohol were flowing as everyone swam naked in the pool. As night fell everyone remarked at what a drama-free soiree it had been. Little did they know the night was just getting started. Apparently someone who was a "friend of a friend" took it upon themselves to try and steal 2 Apple laptops. He did this by dropping a backpack containing the lifted electronics out a second story window. (The merchandise was later found in the bushes)

The attempted robbery was not even the most memorable part of the evening. Because Mystic is out of the way and everyone drinks beyond their limits, it is also tradition for everyone to sleep over. The next morning more trainwreck tails reveled themselves. Apparently during the night one overly intoxicated guest got up to take a piss while he was sleeping outside in a tent. In his drunken stooper he must have gotten lost because he ended up pissing on his fellow tent-mate. Luckily said tent-mate was into watersports so it wasn't a total loss. Again, not the most memorable part of the evening though...

The detail of what happened next are still in question. Here is what we know: At some point during the night another guest got up to use the bathroom. This time instead of a toilet this guest decided to take a shit in the garage. Yes, you read that correctly. He shit in the garage. To be more specific his explosive shit got on the hood of the car, sink, and secondary fridge. That is what we know. What we can't figure out is how and why? The location of the explosion is literally 5 feet away from a bathroom. Even with the benefit of the doubt, lets say the bathroom was taken or unusable for some reason. The garage is also 5 steps away from an outside door. If such an emergency occurred, why not at least go outside in the bushes? What bad decision lead him to think the garage floor was his best option?

It has never been confirmed who the shitter was but everyone has their suspicions. Someone supposedly confessed but I'm not sure I believe it. I think the false confession was a trick to deflect the blame. So the next time you get to drunk at a party and have your own trainwreck moment hold your head high and tell yourself "At least I didn't shit in the garage."

#ALIDSITG



Up Coming Stories include: Funeral Sex, Disney, and Finding Nemo.
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Joe's Spank Me Time

In the News

Polo Ralph Lauren has designed the Olympic opening ceremony outfits for the past several years. However the designer is coming under fire when it was discovered that this year's designs were manufactured in China. That's a PR mess. Lauren released a statement promising that next year all Olympic clothing with be American made. The other problems is that the outfits are slightly ridiculous looking. I wonder if Polo's inspiration was a 1940's European Homosexual?

Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler are leaving American Idol. *Yawn* The rumored replacements are Miley Cyrus, Mariah Carey, and Adam Lambert. Mariah would be great and bring up bat-shit crazy, Miley is an idiot who talks like a man, and Adam... he didn't even win his season?!?!

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have reached a divorce settlement after only 11 days. That's shockingly quick for anyone much less a huge Hollywood star. The quick agreement proves two points: 1. Katie must have some GOOD SHIT on Tom. It's probably crazier then anything we can think of!!  Like Michael Jackson level crazy. 2. Tom Cruise is smart. He knows that Katie could open the flood gates so he did the smart thing made it go away quickly and quietly. Lesson: When you have secrets, throw buckets of cash at it to make it go away.

Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead of a drug overdose. No commentary on this one, just forwarding the information.

Scientists have finally seen promising results with a HIV/AIDS vaccine that could be available as early as 2019. I can't and won't try go into detail, so for more information visit Yahoo News: AIDS Vaccine Within Reach.

 

I still HATE Amazon.com. It feels like I'm shopping at a flea market.

iAddiction

Oxy, Meth, Pot, Booze, Cigarettes, Heroine, Ecstasy, Ketamine, Uppers, Downers... iPhone?

The theme song for this post is You're the Worst Thing for Me by DJ Irene

I don't consider myself as someone who has an addictive personality but there are several things I can't live without. Number one on my list is my phone. You can live a long and happy life without ever touching an iPhone but once your finger slides that unlock key get ready for the addiction to take over. I discovered just how obsessed I was this past week at work while processing some extensive but mindless attorney bills. Repetitive mindless computer tasks are the easiest way to fall asleep and having Rihanna playing in my ear was key to keeping me awake. Also during mini breaks, I was able Text, Facebook, Instagram, Growlr, Twitter, and Style.com. Let's just say by the time I got home my battery was at about 20%. It's genius is it's simplicity and easy of use. It puts information at your finger tips. Let's say you want to see a movie, just tap the Flixster app and it will show you movie theaters and times in your local area. I've become so reliant on it that I really don't know of another way to look up movie times. Here's another scenario: you're on a trip in a hotel starving for some dinner but you're to tired to go out. Open the Domino's app and after a couple finger taps you have a freshly made pizza delivered to your door. (I've used that app more then I thought I would) And I'm sure I don't have to tell you the wonderfullness that is Tumblr.

I first got an iPhone about 3 years ago when I was a unhappy Sprint customer who was ready to jump ship. At the time Droids and iPhones were almost the exact same price. In the end, I decided to go with the Apple because if I was going to spend all that money I wanted to real deal and not an impostor. Droids are wanna-be iPhones. Apple did it first and did it the best leaving droids behind to play catch up.

Obviously the iPhone is not my only vise.
-One could make the case that shopping is one of my addictions. Although I would laugh at and say, "I can stop anytime I want..."
-I've been addicted to a person. It's rare but when you meet someone so intoxicating and charismatic you'll completely understand.

What are you addicted to?

Turn Off- Bad Attitudes

I did some digging to bring example of what not to put in your Growlr profile. However, I'm happy to report that it was hard finding examples of bad profiles. It wasn't impossible but it was hard. For the most part, most guys choose to leave their profile's pretty blank and I totally support that. It's better to say nothing then say something stupid. During my investigation I decided to include a couple a good profiles to show how easy it can be to put your best foot forward. So enjoy some good, some bad, and some stupid profiles.

BAD: Be careful with loading up with all
negatives.Starting out with Turn offs can
be a turn off.

BAD: This is very taste specific. One in a
hundred guys may find it charming. The rest
will roll their eyes and move on.

GOOD: This is a great example of say what
you like instead of being negative. 'I like big
boys' is better then 'No twinks.'

BAD: This one speak for itself. Is there
any question who the bitchy douche is?

GOOD: Short yet descriptive. He gets extra
points for being upfront with his relationship
status

BAD: If your going to be offensive at
least spell it correctly. Really dude?
Fens?

GOOD: Short and simple. If you don't have
much to say don't force it.

BAD: The text of this profile is ok. It lands
on the bad list because the full length is 2
screens long. Stop typing!

A couple general tips:

- Bad attitudes aren't a turn on to anyone, you do not need to specify that it's a turn off.

- You're going to get messages from people you're not attracted to. Deal with it. You can fill your profile with all the Do's and Don'ts but the creepers with still sneak through.

Joe's Spank Me Time

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Gainers

If you're reading this there's a good chance you're a bear or at least you hang out with bears. There's also a good chance that you like beefy guys that have beefy bellies. There is a natural overlap in the bear and chub communities. I love a big hot man with a big hot belly. If you ask any chubby lover one of the hottest parts of a man is the bottom curve of his belly over his waist band. (a big beefy butt is also a plus) Like my friend Bob once said, "Being fat is more fun." There is a large portion of the gay community that agrees with everything I've said so far and I probably follow all of them of Tumblr. I know some of you agree with me because there was a whole conversation at last weekend's party about how much better a guy looks now that he's gained weight. (Side note: He looks FUCKING HOT!)

With the flags waiving for bear pride and chubby pride, one things still fascinates me. Maybe I took one to many Sociology classes but I've always been interested in the reasons behind other people's opinions. There is one word representing a small sect in the gay community that causes very strong reactions from all sides. Gainers. If you're out of the loop a gainer is just what it sounds like, someone who gains weight on purpose. They want to be big. In my experience, when the subject comes up, people tend to think it's strange, weird, or gross. That's fine and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but what I find truly fascinating is that a lot of these same people are also attracted to chubby guys. As if one has nothing to do with the other? Guess what, most people are fat because they eat to much and don't exercises enough. (myself included) Yet there is an unspoken social rule that says if you're fat you can be sexy BUT you shouldn't want to be fat on purpose. If you're trying to gain weight there must be something wrong with you.  Am I the only one who sees the irony here?

My good friend Stan once told me a story about the best way to pick up chasers: "When you're a chubby guy, the easiest way to get a chaser is to act sky and pretend like you think you're ugly. The more you pretend to have low self esteem the more they eat it up. Saying things like, 'I don't really like my body, I mean I could never get a guy like you...' always seals the deal." I know this is an extreme example and I can hear all the chasers starting to get offended, but I think there is still some truth to it. Again it goes back to that unwritten social rule: a big guy may be comfortable with himself, but if he ever had the choice he would choose to be skinny. The hot chub is seen as a victim of his circumstances and the proud chubby gainer is seen as a freak. 

After reading this, I know everyone is curious to know what my opinion is and if I am a gainer. I'll give it to you straight:

First, I have no problem with gainers and I don't think it's weird. There was a time when I didn't understand it until I made an important connection. Gainers have almost the exact same mentality as body builders. Think about it, both groups want more body mass. The only difference is once group chooses muscle and one chooses fat. Once I made that connection I understood it a lot more. If it's considered 'normal' to spend most of your day in the gym and use illegal drugs just to gain muscle mass, why is it so strange to want to be fat? With regard to the 'it's not healthy' argument, who amongst us is healthy enough to throw that stone in their big glass house?

As for myself, I don't consider myself a gainer. I currently weigh about 270lbs give or take (I left my scale in Connecticut) and I don't have any plans to change that in the near future. I do think I look better with more weight on my frame and I'm very comfortable with my belly. As I've said in the past, when I was in college I lost about 40-50lbs and got down to 180lbs which was my lowest weight as an adult. However when I lost the weight I realized that I didn't like the way my body looked in the mirror. So while I didn't gain the weight back on purpose, I did make a conscious decision to stop my workouts and loosen my strict eating regimen. So maybe I was a gainer before is was had a name. Gasp! I'm such a trend setter.

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Spirit vs JetBlue

I haven't posted in a while because I've been traveling for work and fun. The fun travel was a quick trip home for 4th of July festivities. I few from Dallas to Boston direct on Spirit Airlines' redeye and when I flew home JetBlue was my airline of choice. As someone who travels a fair amount I wanted to share my impressions of these discount carriers. I wanted to give you some useful information so that you can make an informed decision the next time you fly. Let's dive right in:

Spirit Airlines

I've flown Spirit twice now because they have a red eye (leaving at 1:30 am) flight direct to Boston that remains very cheap even if you book last minute. The best way to describe Spirit is that you get what you pay for. The fair is low but it's no frills and everything is an extra charge. Carry on luggage, anything bigger then a backpack or laptop bag, is subject to a fee on top of the fee for checked luggage. Both times I've flown on Spirit it has been for a short trip so I was able to pack a backpack and avoid any carry on charges. Once you're on the plane drinks or snacks are an extra charge because they don't even give you the 'one free soda' like many other airlines. Like I said... no frills. The funny thing about Spirit is that they obviously purchased their plane for another airline because the seats have never been re-upholstered.  I also took advantage of their offer to pay $50 for seat with more room. When you pay the extra charge you get to sit in the first row (the first class seats on the old owner's plane) which gives you more leg room and a much larger seat. This is a dream for any chubby boy with beefy arms and shoulders like myself. I also have personal space issues so I don't like being pressed arm to arm with a stranger. There may be a lot of extra charges but sitting comfortably is a major plus.

JetBlue

Almost everything about JetBlue is the total opposite of Spirit. JetBlue just started flying from Boston to Dallas and they have a fresh new terminal at Logan Airport. When I checked in at Logan to fly home I opted for their $45 extra room seat. After I printed my boarding pass I headed to security. Much to my surprise, paying for extra room also gave me the privilege to going through the VIP security line normally reserved for pilots and crew members. That's a great bonus. Once I got on the new and modern plane each seat had it's own personal tv monitor with 40 channels of free cable tv. Like I said before, it's the opposite of Spirit. They even gave out the standard free soda. All was good except for one thing. I assumed when I paid for the upgrade I would get the same size seat as I did on Spirit. Not so. When you pay for an upgrade on JetBlue it only gives the benefit of more leg room. The actual size (width) of the seat is the same. Therefore for the next 4 hours I sat watching Bravo on my tv with my shoulders pulled in.

Everyone reading this may have a variety of different priorities when they travel so you can make up your own mind. I will also mention that both airlines were courteous while providing a smooth ride and JetBlue's price was only $40-50 more then Spirit. The choice between the two really comes down to price and the little extras that can make a world of difference. For my part, Spirit has a slight lead only because they offer bigger seats so I can sit comfortably. If you're skinnier or don't mind a lack of elbow room then JetBlue is great option.

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