Oscar Update

The Oscars are in less than two weeks away and here is a recap of the races so far. Let's get one thing out of the way, the Oscars are going to be boring this year. Headline: Jean Dujardin might steel the Best actor prize from George Clooney. Snooze... No one cares! While we're on the subject, let's talk about The Artist and it's march toward Best Picture. I haven't watched the film and I'm sure it deserves all the praise it's received. The problem is that the audience has no emotional attachment to the movie. It will be added to the forgettable Oscar list along side The English Patient, No Country For Old Men, and Million Dollar Baby.  All were wonderful movies, but after you see them once you'll never feel the need to watch them ever again.

The Artist isn't the only reason for a lack luster Oscar year. Everyone is very safe, very polite, and very user friendly. George Clooney, who already has an Oscar statue, is one of the favorites for Best Actor. Am I the only one who is board to tears with Clooney? He shows up to every award show in a perfectly fitting tux and gives his witty yet non offensive speech. The only thing slightly amusing is his carousel girlfriends. I'd love Brad Pitt to win because he's a much better actor then people give him credit for. However, his performance in Moneyball is not Oscar worthy. Best Actress comes down to front runner Meryl Streep and SAG winner Viola Davis. (the two were both previously nominated for Doubt) I'm glad Davis won at the SAG awards because I wanted her to win something this season so she could have her moment to shine. With that said, I'm really rooting for Meryl. It's been about 30 years since she won Best Actress for Sophie's Choice. She's the most nominated actress in history and she deserves another statue.

Altogether though there's nothing to exciting this year. Did I mention Billy Chrystal is hosting? Yawn. Thank God for Octavia Spencer, in the lead for best supporting actress. She's one of the only people that I'm really behind. Go Octavia! Other then the female acting categories, I really don't care who wins. Hopefully the Academy will pull some major upsets in those other categories to keep the show interesting.

Grammy Recap

Adele was crowned queen last night at the Grammy Awards. She was the big winner of the evening and she deserved every award she got. She proved that true talent can compete with costumes and over production. In her first major appearance since having throat surgery she looked healthy with lighter colored hair and fresh makeup. Then she belted out Rolling in the Deep proving her voice is better the ever. When Dave Grohl was asked about the Foo Fighter's chances of winning Album of the Year he was honest, "We had a great album but it's hard in a year when Adele released one of the greatest albums ever."

 

 

Best New Artist went to Bon Iver continuing the Grammy's run of giving the award to a very talented yet publicly unknown artist who'll probably never be heard from again. Do you remember last year's winner Esperanza Spalding? No of course you don't.

 

 

I was rooting for Nicki Manaj for Best New Artist. That was until I saw her Grammy performance. Oh Nicki... Oh no. No No No No No.  Let's break it down: First she shows up in a red cloak, a la Red Ridding Hood, arm in arm with a Pope look-a-like. I didn't mind the red cloak but the huge Versace logo on the front killed it for me. The 'Pope' wasn't needed either. The first thing I thought was 'Is channeling Sinead O'Connor?' Nicki, leave the red carpet antics to Lady Gaga. (she does it a lot better) Then she performed her new single Roman Holiday. Ehh... again I was left thinking... 'Didn't Madonna do this on her Blond Ambition tour?' (the horrible song didn't help either) The whole thing felt forced and worse like something I've seen before.

Anyone who saw me Saturday night knows I had one prediction: They are going to call Jennifer Hudson and have her sing a tribute to Whitney Houston. Slam dunk I was right! How did I know? Simple logic, JHud is one of the very few with the vocal talent and range to do justice for Whitney. Second, she's got the talent and nothing else to do. You know she was probably in town for the Grammys anyway and it's not like she's got anything else to do. I may be a cynic but I've got to give her credit, when she came out and sang I Will Always Love You it made me cry.

Now to Whitney Houston. She was a legend and an icon. Pure and simple. I'd never had a true emotional reaction to a celebrity's death before. But as I was driving and heard that she drowned in a bath tub it really caught me off guard. It put a damper on my whole night. Seeing her in concert had always been on my Bucket List. It's public knowledge that Houston was fighting a loosing battle with drugs and they no doubt played a part in her early death. I thought the Grammys handled her death receptively without making the whole show about her.

My only other observation from the Grammys:

-I didn't get what Katy Perry's space age (and ugly) outfit had to do with her song or performance?

-Who was that Russian bitch with the machine gun on her arm?

-Was it me or did they only hand out about 5 awards the whole night? More awards less performances please.

-Rhianna looked amazing. Robyn looked like a Swedish lesbian club kid from 1994.

-I'd still have sex with LL Cool J

The Breakup

Who were your close friends 10 years ago and who are your close friends now? I bet the two lists look very different. It's a natural part of life that most friendships won't last for a lifetime. For every person who I've known for 20 years, there are 10 more people who I've lost touch with. Many times a friendship has a natural end due to life events such as moving, getting a new job, getting sober, or getting married. Even Paris and Nicole couldn't make it last through 5 seasons of the Simple Life. (Can you believe that shit show lasted for 5 seasons?!?)

College is a perfect example of a friendship that can expire. For example, during my sophomore year at UMass I was very close friend with a guy named Jeff and we spent almost everyday together. We kept in touch over the summer but when we returned to school the next fall I discovered I had been replaced. He now had a new best friend with whom he spent all of his time with and I barely heard from him. Her name was Anne and she was a heavily tattooed Australian lesbian. She was the new "It Girl' in his life. [yes he's gay] To be fair, there was no malicious intent on Jeff's part, he had just simply moved on. Feeling very badly about the breakup, I went to see a psychologist. She gave me some very good advice. She said that every relationship takes a natural course and therefore can have a natural end without anyone being at fault. This really helped me get past feeling I was replaceable. I loved UMass and I had wonderful friends there but after graduation we all went in different directions. Once you no longer have a common bond it can be surprising how little you have in common with each other. Only one friendship has lasted since my years in Amherst but luckily with Facebook I can still keep in touch with everyone else.

Unfortunately there are also times when you end a friendship on purpose. My older friend Stephanie (from highschool) comes to mind. She was my best friend for years but we started to loose touch once she got married and had a baby. It's was a common situation where we just 'lost touch' over time. However about a year ago we reconnected [via Facebook] and she gave me a call. We talked for over an hour just like we used to do back in highschool. As we talked I remembered why we lost touch. The first 45 minutes of the conversation consisted of her complaining about her job. That was followed by another 45 minutes of lamenting about her mother's crazy antics. After hanging up, I realized that such a negative person maybe better left in the past and I made a conscious decision not to call her back as I said I would.

If you've ever said to yourself "We used to be so close," maybe it's because you're an asshole or maybe it's because life moved on and took you in different directions. I hope in your case the later is more often the case. Either way, just because it didn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't worth it.

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Joe's Spank Me Time

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Auf Wiedersehen

Have you ever asked yourself, "Why is ______ still famous? I want to be the person who makes those decisions. In my fantasy I'm a major Hollywood big-wig who has the power to make or break careers. My whims would determine who's in and who's out.

First on the list is Kelly Clarkson. She's a sweet girl, but she needs to sashay away. I never watched her on American Idol but she caught my attention with her hit Breakaway. I remember driving to work in Danbury and hearing it on the radio over and over and over again. The turning point came once I heard her heartbreak anthem Since You've Been Gone. I fell in love. Truth be told that was the height of her career and she's never been able to regain that momentum. In more recent years her songs have been good none have come close to being memorable. Now I'm just sick of her mediocrity. She did a good job at the Superbowl but it wasn't enough. Her career has been on life support for too long and someone needs to pull the plug. Please let me pull the plug!

Jennifer Hudson is another celeb who needs her plug pulled. Also a fellow American Idol alum, her career has taken a much different path. After being voted off Idol she was cast as Effie White in the motion picture Dreamgirls. In case you were under a rock... I'll give you the short back story. Dreamgirls was a Broadway musical that older gays fawn over. The whole movie/musical comes down to one song, And I'm Telling You. The original song was performed by Jennifer Holiday and she set the bar so high that it was almost universally agreed that no one could compete. When the movie came out Jennifer Husdon shocked everyone and belted it out of the park. For her efforts she got an Oscar. Since her Oscar win JHud released a critically successful album and lost her mother and nephew in a car crash. Now she's on tv as the spokesperson for Weight Watchers. (those damn commercials are on every 5 seconds) Sadly, being the face for weight loss is the first step on the road to D-list stardom. Now her only hope is landing a judging gig on a reality show or getting cast on Dancing w/ the Stars. Let's face it Jen... your A-list career is done.

I Had a Dream About You

My dreams are boring.

I don't dream a lot and sex dreams are an even smaller minority. When sex does infiltrate my REM sleep it's usually in on very general terms. The scenario plays out like this: I spend the whole dream trying to get to the sex and once we're about to get down and dirty the dream ends. How frustrating. It's extremely rare that the dream includes actual sex. It's like comparing an R-rated movie scene and getting a cum facial on Xtube. It's just not the same. For example, last night I dreamt about a friend standing on the porch in front of me talking to someone else. I noticed he had a bit of his delicious ass crack showing. (ass crack is my kryptonite) I proceeded to pull down his mesh shorts and kneel down for a taste. He bent over and I started to seperate his meaty cheacks. Just as I was about to devour his hole with my tongue... BOOM! dream over. Come on you're killing me! All the build up with out the pay off. Now all day I won't be able to stop thinking about my face buried in his butt. (or any butt for that matter)

I know what you're thinking, "You probably just don't remember the sex part of the dream." No that's not it. This has gone on forever. As far back as I can remember the scene has always ended just before I get any action. The last time I got subconsciously laid it was so vivid that I could almost feel the cock in my mouth. I'll take more of those dreams please. I have to be extra horny and worked up to have an explicit dream but my problem is that I jerk off too regularly. If I'm that horny, I'll just shoot one or two out before bed. I guess sexless dreams are my cross to bear in life. [to dramatic?]

P.S. I know I know... you just want to know who the dream was about. I only give you one clue: You get his two initials when you invert the name of a popular whole sale club.  

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Anna Dello Crazy

I love a fashion risk taker. Anna Dello Russo isn't a just risk taker... she's an extreme fashion adrenalin junkie and I can't get enough of her! The Milan resident is the Editor at Large for Vogue Japan. As a modern day Carrie Bradshaw, she's photographed at every party and runway show and as you can see ADR loves a wacky head piece. Whether it's charming cherries or a flock of feathers, she has never met a hat she hasn't loved. (and you can see there's a hint of real crazy in her eyes) Does she always look good? No. Does she usually look foolish? Yes. That's what I love about her. Just a big crazy girl with an egg on her head. She rocks over the top outfits and doesn't care a lick what people think. (She's also responsible for keeping the face cover/netting industry in business)  If I ever made a Lady Gaga movie, Anna Dello Russo would be cast as either her mother or her fairy god mother. Here are some of her most memorable moments.