A Song for Every Occasion

Certain situations need the perfect song. Enjoy my list of the best songs for those special moments. If you want to listen to all or any of these songs they are all included on a Spotify playlist titled The Gay Gasp Special Occasions.

1.80's Costume Party
It Takes Two- Rob Base

2. Family Summer Party
Summertime by DJ Jazzie Jeff and The Fresh Prince

3. College Frat Party
Purple Pills by D12

4. I'm Single (sad)
Ready for Love by India Arie

5. I'm Single (happy)
Dancing on my Own by Robyn

6. Pretending to be more sophisticated then you really are
Bad Romance by Vitamin String Quartet

7. Sing in the Shower
Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa

8. Headphone at the Office
Closer by Nine Inch Nails

9. Road Trip
Vacation by the Go-Go's

10. Karaoke
Thrift Shop- Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

11. Internet Stalking
Obsessed by Mariah Carey

12. Drunk Dance Party
Don't Stop the Music by Rihanna

13. Sunday Funday
Do My Thang by Miley Cyrus

14. Mushy Love
My Man by Barbra Streisand (Funny Girl)

15. Wedding Slow Dance
At Last by Etta James

16. Getting ready for the club
Work Bitch by Britney Spears

17. In the car with your parents
She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5

18. Passive aggressive hate toward your roommate 
Violet by Hole

19. Waking up in the morning
Belle (Bonjour) from the Beauty and the Beast Sountrack

20.Masturbating
Caress My Down by Sublime

I ❤️ Sluts

I’ve tried to make it a point not to be overly negative in my writing. While my last post was negative I tried to present my points with the understanding that I realized how unfair my judgments were. Unfortunately I think that fact was overshadowed by the negativity. In fact if you read the comments the whole thing dissolved into nonsensical rants. While I totally stand by that post I decided a counter point was needed.  With positivity in mind, lets look at the other side of the judgment coin. For all the people who suffer from snap judgments there are as many people who benefit from them. I can be fickle about some things and it takes just one wrong move for my opinion to turn sour. With that said, it also can take only one random detail for you to win me over.

Trying to think of traits I judge people positively on was hard. Why is it that negativity comes so much easier? To help me out I started to think of the people in my life whom I adore despite having little to nothing in common with them. For each of the item below I realized I had a specific person in mind who embodied that trait perfectly.

Cocky Confident Charm- I've always been a sucker for a cocky attitude especially in older guys. This is the toughest to describe because it's the most intangible. Both personality and physical body language play a big role. I confident daddy bear who pushes his shoulders back and his big gut out can easily will me over. Add in a charming politician's personality and my pants are already off.






A Big Dick-  This is on the list to represent any single physical trait you find attractive enough to ignore other short comings. I can be won over by a great set of nipples or a big round ass just as much as a big dick. However a big dick is the first one that came to mind. I know it's shallow but sometimes if your dick (ass, nips etc) is big enough that can make up for a lot of other short comings. Once I remember walking away from a particularly boring conversation and thinking, "Thank god he's got a big dick." While you might not be into dick size, how many of you melt over a great beard? And how many of you will put up with all sorts of nonsense just because he's short?

The It Girl- This guy is the guy that everyone is drawn to and  he's the epitome of calm and cool. He's got his own sense of style that's a mix of Nantucket prep and hipster normcore. What ever he does or wears you end up subconsciously wanting to imitate.

Wit- There's a difference between finding something/someone funny and actually laughing out loud. I adore guys who can genuinely make me laugh from a strong mental connection. Everyone has a different sense of humor but I tend to gravitate toward intellectually sarcastic with a hint of creative bitchiness mixed in. Like I said in my last post, if you're too kumbaya and non-judgmental I respect you but have nothing to talk to you about.    

A positive attitude- I like people who are in a good mood. Almost all of my judgmental inclinations will be melted if you greet me with an upbeat smile. Even if you're faking it because life has given you a truck full of lemons. I always gravitate toward those people who can keep it fun and lighthearted. I look for Tiger or Winnie the Pooh not Eor.

I ❤️ Sluts- I like guys who like sex. I've never understood the lure of the virginal and inexperienced. It seems like too much hard work and nonsense. Give me a guy who knows exactly what he wants and from how many men. Like a job interview, it pays to have experience.

You own a pug (or bulldog)- This is pretty straight forward, If you have a pug or bulldog you're already starting out on the winning team.

Yes I'm Judging You

We all judge people unfairly. Most people assume they are being judged by petty things like weight or dance ability. I'd argue that we or at least I give generous allowances for those things. However I do tend to be much more judgmental about much more trivial things. Here are the ways I know I judge people despite knowing better. To be crystal clear, I know judging people for these reasons is wrong but I can't help it. Admitting I have a problem is the first step toward change.

Taking too long at ATM- He's not programing the CIA's super computer, why is he taking so long?! Get the cash and move the on. If his transaction is that complicated he should've gone into the fucking bank.

Car bras- Why? I mean... just why?

Wearing Teva scandals- They are comfortable and practical and literally the ugliest piece of foot wear on earth. I instantly assume anyone wearing Teva scandals are real life version of Ned Flanders. 

Ability to use technology- Fact: Many people, especially of an older generation, can have huge amounts of knowledge and experience despite being bad with computers.Truth: If I have to tell him how to send an email I am going to naturally assume I have to remind him to go to the bathroom to avoid a kindergarten style accident.

Not financially self sufficient- Everyone goes through rough patches where they need help. It's entirely different when he graduated college 5 years ago and his parents are still paying his credit card bills.

Driving with your signal light on- When he forgets to turn off his signal light I judge him. Harshly. The amount of times I wish for his spontaneous combustion is in direct proportion to how long the light stays on. 

Vegans- I know there are health reasons for going vegan but it still sounds ridiculous. In an end-of-the-world style survival of the fittest competition Vegans will be the first to lose. Plus, why do they always looks so sad and sickly?

Triads- I'll be honest, I judge the original couple much more then the young third they welcome in. I can't help but think they're leading that impressionable young cub on with their gay midlife crisis.

Expensive Car- When he pulls up in his new Mercedes Benz S63 AMG I say "That's a beautiful care" but I'm really thinking "Douche."

Wearing a lock around your neck- It's unfair but when I see a padlock around someone's neck I associate it will bullshit and drama. When he says, "You must ask Sir's permission before talking to me." I say, "Where did that triad go? They were fun."

Saying "I never judge anyone"- I have nothing to talk to you about.

Adjusting To Life After TBRU (as told by cats)

1. You realized 90% of the pictures you took are too dark and blurry to use

2. Your stomach is finally getting it's revenge for the 4 days of hell you put it through.

3. The only energy you have is spent taking naps and watching your DVR

4. Your dirty laundry consist of jock straps and BearDance tshirts

5. Anger sets in when you realized you haven't gone grocery shopping in over a week.

6. An hour is wasted unblocking the Growlr profiles.

7. Another hour is wasted deleting Growlr shouts

8. Days of Italia Express and Jack in the Box cause the need for a strict detox diet of water, fruit, and oatmeal.

9. You still feel weird without a lanyard around your neck.

10.Your feet still hurt from hours of dancing a S4

11. The harsh reality that you have to go back to work tomorrow

12. But at least you can sleep in your own bed tonight

Which rejected Buzzfeed Quiz Are You?

The quiz to end all quizzes! Find take this quiz to find out which rejected Buzzfeed Quiz you are.  

1. Who's your favorite Golden Girls' family member?
A. Gloria- Dorothy's broke sister
B. Sven- Rose's innocent cousin
C. Janet- Blanche's fat daughter
D. Holly- Rose's bitch sister
E. Clayton- Blanche's gay brother
F. Angela- Sofia's daughter in law (Phil's wife/widow) 

2. What continent is your maternal ancestry from?
A. The Americas
B. Europe
C. Asia
D. Africa
E. Australia
F. Texas

3. What is your spirit animal?

A. Javan Tiger
B. Sumatran tiger
C. Siberian tiger
D. Amoy Tiger
F. Indochinese Tiger
E: Liger

4. If you had to wake up to the same song every morning for the rest of your life (Groundhog Day style) What would it be?
A. Hey Mickey by Tony Basil
B. Who Let the Dogs Out by Baha Men
C. Cotton-eyed Joe by Rednex
D. Barbie Girl by Aqua
E. Copacabana by Barry Manilow
F. Thong Song by Sisqo

5. What is the average (arithmetic mean) of all the multiples of ten from 10 to 190 inclusive?
A. 90
B. 95
C. 100
D. 105
E. 110
F. 190

Results:

For ever questions you answered:
A= 1 point
B= 2 points
C= 3 points
D= 4 points
E= 5 points
F= 6 points

 

 

5 to 9 points means you are

 

Which of Blosom's flowered hats are you?!

 

10-14 points means you are

Which genocidal despot are you?!

 

15-19 points means you are

Which Instrgram filter are you?!

 

 

 

20-24 points means you are

Which celebrity selfie are you?

 

 

25-29 points means you are

 

Which natural disaster is going to kill you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

30 and above means you are

Which protein shake are you?

Joe's Spank Me Time

In Between Boy

In Between Boy: A guy who isn't fat enough to be fat and I'm not skinny enough to be skinny.

Ask anyone who has lost or gained a noticeable amount of weight in the bear community and they'll no doubt tell you what a bizarre experience it's been. About a year ago I lost 30 lbs for health reasons. At my biggest I was at 280 lbs and after loosing weight I've consistently been at 250 for almost a year. Throughout the majority of my adulthood I've hovered around 250 and was very used to existing in a social sexual gray area. However, once I got up to 280 I felt like I finally had been picked for a team. I liked the way I looked and felt confident. The proof came in the form of extra attention from guys who had previously ignored me because my waist was too small. Even though I was 'chubby' for only a couple of years but it was enough time to forget all about the in between zone of my past. Now that I am back down to 250 it's all gone back to normal. I don't dislike the way I look. The best way to describe my opinion of my body is "I accept my body for what it is."

Being a bear who has lost weight, I can tell you from experience that people make some odd comments. I've been told (directly to my face) "Don't lose any more weight you've gotten to thin." That one isn't very common but I've heard it more then once. Usually the comments are delivered in a more diplomatic way, such as, "Hey skinny" or "Have you lost more weight?" I get the latter one on a weekly basis. I try not no be offended but I can't help decode the hidden meaning "You're getting too thin and I'm not attracted to you anymore." Or if the question is coming from a bear who chases chasers the hidden meaning can be "You were too fat before but now you might be cute." There's so much judgment and subtext to what their saying that it takes real talent to navigate the social waters. #throwingshade #sideeye 

With that said, I admit I'm full of shit.

Let me explain with the honest answer:

About a year ago I lost 30lbs for my health. While my health improved my confidence sunk. I felt like I was being fired from the team I just joined. My growing insecurities were only exacerbated by my community's reaction. You see, when a friend asks me if I've lost more weight, it simply may be an honest question and observation. As an in between boy with fashion sense I can choose to look beefy or slim depending of the fit of the clothes. With the right outfit I can usually get the pendulum to swing between (a visual) 240 and 260.

All the hidden subtext I mentioned above is really all in my head. I  assume they're being judgmental because I already feel inadequate. Their comments are unfortunately being filtered through all of the nonsense in my head. I believe a person can only make you feel insecure if you already have the seeds of insecurity in you. A lot of the time their intention was never to hurt my feeling and the fault lies on me if I feel any malice. Having realized this has helped me navigate tricky social situations with more ease. Now when I get asked if I've lost more weight I can be polite and honest and tell them "No, it's just good clothes."

P.S.

People always forget I've lost weight. My two year anniversary of moving to Dallas is in June of 2014. At this point most Dallas residents have known me at 250 for as long as they knew me at 280. Yet every time I see certain people it's like they are seeing me for the first time post weight loss. It's like they have fatty amnesia.

I Call Bullsh*t

What constitutes a controversy?

Dictionary.com defines controversy as: A prolonged public dispute, debate, or contention; disputation concerning a matter of opinion.

Shortly after the Oscars aired Sunday night, the Huffington Post ran a story about the 'controversy' stemming from a joke Ellen Degeneres made about Liza Minnelli. The story claimed people were offended because she joked that Minnelli was a man in drag. Ellen made the joke in her opening monologue and it didn't get much of a laugh and Liza didn't look amused. Although it was hardly the standout moment of the evening. The article described the growing controversy and how Degeneres is being labeled as transphobic and insensitive toward the trans community. Similar stories even started to pop up on other news outlets as they caught wind of a possible cat fight. The Huffington Post article cited a tweet from "prominent director" Bruce LaBruce as the scandal's whistle blower. Side note, who the fuck is Bruce LaBruce and why do a give a shit what offends him? Piers Morgan even jumped on the band wagon and called the joke "hurtful and humiliating." Does that really constitute a controversy? The last time I checked a tweet from a butt hurt director and a soon to be cancelled cable blowhard do not constitute a nation outcry.

It got me thinking about scandals and controversy. I'm not bashing the Huffington Post because this is just a recent example but many different news outlets are guilty of the same thing. How many controversies exist because we are told there is one by a headline? The only person who might care is the writer who needs to turn is piece so he can get paid. Reporters have a tremendous amount of power to effect perceptions of reality. For example, the Paula Dean mess was a controversy that was based in a real life situations and events. There were court cases and she lost many of her sponsorship deals as families around the country debated the topic around the dinner table. That was the real deal. On the flip side, an example of a made up controversy is any outrageous comment made by a Real Housewife. (Google Brandi Glanville for more information/examples) In my opinion it can't be called a controversy if deep down the public doesn't care.

The real story should be the growing need to fill up web space and create content. After a particularly lack luster and drama free Oscar ceremony, even Buzzfeed could barely scrape together a list of reasons to adore Jennifer Lawrence. Everyone looked fine, all the predicted nominees won, and the telecast was enjoyably forgettable. That's the worst case scenario for entertainment press. But one rando  tweet can be stirred into it's own mini new story. How often do you hear and entertainment stories that starts with "_____ sent out a tweet that said..."  Just because they're the loudest doesn't mean their not talking out of their ass. Plus twitter is not exactly know for well thought out pros. The next time you read about a controversy ask yourself, is this a real story? Or did the writer just need a 500 word story to make a deadline?

Two Important footnotes:

First: It should be noted that Liza Minnelli told the press that in fact she was not offended. 

Second: In every article I read on the Ellen vs Liza controversy, no one ever actually contacted a representative from the trans community to get their opinion on the subject.