Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I have a lot of ideas and thoughts that are interesting but not strong enough to fill a whole blog post. Here are some of my random thoughts:

1. You may already have a Bucket List of life changing goals you want to one day accomplish. But I doubt you have a Minor Bucket List. A MBL is a list of frivolous goals you'd like to do before you die. Minor items could include beating a new video game or finding the perfect jock strap.  Here are some of the items on my Minor Bucket List:

-Go Titty Bar. I'm curious to see what a female strip club is like.
-Have someone write a "missed connection" on Craigslist about me
-Have a date/kiss for midnight on New Years Eve

2.Shopping Tips: Buy clothes in August. Starting now, many clothing stores put their summer merchandise on clearance to make way for back to school season. Get to the stores now while the sale sections are filled with good options in your size. You can get some great deals buying at the end of the season. Also check a store's website for additional colors and sizes. The other bonus of August is that later in the month many states have a tax free shopping week. Hint: don't try and double dip your saving by trying to buy clearance during tax free week. By the time tax free week comes along much of the quality clearance items will be gone.

3. Kristin Stewart has no taken Meg Ryans place on my "I hate you for no reason" board. I've never liked Kristen Stewart mainly because she always has a disinterested stink face on. Now comes the news that she cheated on her boyfriend Robert Patenson with a married man. Thank you KS, now I have a legitimate reason to hate you. (Meg Ryan had the same story line with Russell Crow and Dennis Quaid)

4. If you enjoy watching gymnastics at the Olympics, you'll remember 1996 in Atlanta when the US women won the team gold metal. It was the year of Kerri Strug's famous vault. It's her team mate Shannon Miller who got my attention recently though. Miller is one of the most decorated US female gymnast of all time. I was shocked to see a current picture of her. With a short brown bob she looks unrecognizable! When NBC interviewed her my first thought was, "Who the hell is she?" Shocking but a big improvement. It also looks like she got her teeth done. Thumbs up.

5. I saw Batman: The Dark Knight Rises. It was good, but my only suggestion is that you watch Batman Begins first. I missed Batman Begins and therefore was a little lost during some parts of the movie. If you missed the first installment like me, you'll still be able to follow the movie as a whole. There are just some back stories you'll miss.

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Joe's Spank Me Time (Local Edition)

Every so often I like to feature incredibly hot guys who I actually know. This is Trent and as you can see he's a Canadian uber hottie as well as an all around nice guy. This picture will definitely be part of my spank bank.

The Harem Effect (Part 2)

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The Harem Effect

What's your type? As in what type of man are you attracted to. In my case I consider my type to be a general preference rather then a steadfast rule. However some people have a type that's etched in stone. So predictable that you can pick potential tricks out of the crowd and score 100%. Types can include: hairless asians, firm bellies, young and hung, young and chubby, white boy next door, latino, barely legal twink, guidos, daddy bears, and of course midgets. Some guys go after partners that look exactly like themselves while others are attracted to their opposite. Fat and skinny, young and old etc. In these yin and yang cases I've noticed the phenomena of the harem. It's best described by example: We have all been out when you see a gaggle of gays walk in. Upon further inspection you notice that one of them is the obvious 'center of attention' and everyone one else just buzzes around. (aka minions, groupies) The straight world equivalent would be Hugh Hefner and is 10 barbie look-a-like girlfriends. In my world, most often you'll see a king chub surrounded by his harem of eager chasers. (There's probably porn with the same story line) Side note: If you want to play a fun game, get everyone drunk and sit back and watch the harem fight for the attention of their master. HI-Larious! I've always tended to notices harems when there are obvious physical differences. However the phenomena may be more common. If you think about it, a group of steroid muscle bears could easily be a harem but when the master looks exactly like his minions it's a lot harder to pick out.

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The Dallas Top Ten

Where have I been and what have I been up to? I wanted to take some time and get a little personal and give you the 411 on my life in Dallas so far. If you are new to my blog or blissfully living under a rock, about 2 months ago I moved from Connecticut to Texas. And it's worth mentioning I'm not one of those people who constantly moves from coast to coast every couple of years. Life in Dallas is new and exciting. I won't bore you with every little detail...but here are the highlights. The Dallas Top Ten:

1. A few people warned me that Dallas was bitchy. I've found quit the opposite to be true. Everyone has been very friendly and welcoming.

2. A shout out needs to go to Brendan (aka Bubbles) who has been a great friend by introducing me around town to a lot of people. I can tell the whole town really loves him. Big hugs to Bubbles! The best of Brenden: "She named her pussy Rihanna because she likes to get it beat up!"

3. I met my first Gay Gasp reader who was not a friend from Facebook. Hey Jay! (It should be mentioned that we've since become FB friends) Also, his partner Stephen has the greatest French accent.

4. I have a crush a boy. Believe me when I tell you I'm not known for having a successful love life. Sex has always come easy but romance not so much. We were introduced very briefly at TBRU this year and re-met at the local cowboy bar in town once I moved. I won't bore you with the mushy details except to say that he makes me smile in every possible way. He plays sports and has a not-so-secret love for show tunes. To say he's hot is an understatement and he looks shockingly cute in every picture ever taken of him. Seriously!?! You are so photogenic ;-D

5. One of the things I love about Dallas is that the bars are filled when I go out on the weekends. Even on Show Tune Tuesday at Woody's there was a decent crowd. Dallas readers won't understand what I'm talking about. But my Connecticut crew knows that if you go to Frank's Place in New London on a Saturday, you'll be drinking with a ragged drag queen and a spunky lesbian.

6. Work, work work work work. I really like my new job. No more talking to customers all day long. No more talking to customers ever. Mostly my job consists of a lot of clerical and computer work. Thumbs up!

7. Having nothing to do with anything: I realized an odd fact the other day. When I drove here from Connecticut I passed over the Mississippi River and missed it. When I say I missed it I mean I didn't realize it at the time. I would have totally stopped and taken a picture. (Instagram!) How could I have missed it?

8. Dallas gives off a great first impression. I'm consistently surprised by how polite and friendly everyone is to one another. Like everywhere Texas has different clicks, but none of the them hate each other. Or if there is hatred, it's kept quiet and covered in a polite Hello. When I first got here there where only a couple people I knew. From what I knew of them I didn't think they would get along very well. Much to my surprise the general reaction was, "Oh yeah I know him, he's a great guy." I've been told that my newness has a lot to do with it. Everyone assures me that this is a false impression and the cracks will begin to show. I'm not so sure though... I suspect what they consider bitchy and hatefully is a warm conversation between friends in New England. How many times have I been at Tommys when there is open hostility in the room. I mean who can forget Stamford Steve's famous tirade to Fruitloop? (if you weren't there it went something like this: "I can't stand you, and for the next hour I'm going to list all the reason's why.")

9. I really miss all my friends in Connecticut although I don't miss Connecticut the state yet. I love the place I'm in but I want the old crew. My dream come true would be if everyone from CT decided to move to Dallas!!!! So all you Connecticut readers... start looking for jobs and apartments now. Ha! In reality, what I see happening is that if I stay in Dallas I'll just fly home a lot for quick visits. In a related note I signed up for United Airlines' frequent flier program.

10. Minor Dallas Observations: They still use styrofoam, recycling hasn't caught on, I can't find Margarine in a tub, pool parties are a way of life here, every tv show is on an hour earlier, and there are dozens of other fast food choices (Chick-fil-a, Church's, Jack n the Box, In and Out Burger, Whataburger etc)




*A side note on the photo: It has nothing to do with anything. I've had it saved more over a year hoping to work it into a post and I've never been able to. Just enjoy it in all it's randomness.

The Greatest Stories Ever Told

I'm starting a mini-series of the funniest stories I've ever heard or been a part of. For the first installment I'll start with one of the more recent escapades. Picture it, Mystic 2011. It was the 4th of July and a party was in full bloom: As it was tradition,everyone descended on Casa de GPS for the annual summer bash. Food and alcohol were flowing as everyone swam naked in the pool. As night fell everyone remarked at what a drama-free soiree it had been. Little did they know the night was just getting started. Apparently someone who was a "friend of a friend" took it upon themselves to try and steal 2 Apple laptops. He did this by dropping a backpack containing the lifted electronics out a second story window. (The merchandise was later found in the bushes)

The attempted robbery was not even the most memorable part of the evening. Because Mystic is out of the way and everyone drinks beyond their limits, it is also tradition for everyone to sleep over. The next morning more trainwreck tails reveled themselves. Apparently during the night one overly intoxicated guest got up to take a piss while he was sleeping outside in a tent. In his drunken stooper he must have gotten lost because he ended up pissing on his fellow tent-mate. Luckily said tent-mate was into watersports so it wasn't a total loss. Again, not the most memorable part of the evening though...

The detail of what happened next are still in question. Here is what we know: At some point during the night another guest got up to use the bathroom. This time instead of a toilet this guest decided to take a shit in the garage. Yes, you read that correctly. He shit in the garage. To be more specific his explosive shit got on the hood of the car, sink, and secondary fridge. That is what we know. What we can't figure out is how and why? The location of the explosion is literally 5 feet away from a bathroom. Even with the benefit of the doubt, lets say the bathroom was taken or unusable for some reason. The garage is also 5 steps away from an outside door. If such an emergency occurred, why not at least go outside in the bushes? What bad decision lead him to think the garage floor was his best option?

It has never been confirmed who the shitter was but everyone has their suspicions. Someone supposedly confessed but I'm not sure I believe it. I think the false confession was a trick to deflect the blame. So the next time you get to drunk at a party and have your own trainwreck moment hold your head high and tell yourself "At least I didn't shit in the garage."

#ALIDSITG



Up Coming Stories include: Funeral Sex, Disney, and Finding Nemo.
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Joe's Spank Me Time