Boom!

How many jokes can you think of?

This is your dick. This is your dick on elephant growth hormones.

Relativity doesn't always help your self esteem

Does he has lower back pain from carrying that around?

If he's a top, I'm gonna need a lot more poppers

On the right: The ant eater. On the left: The ant

"Yeah look at my big.... Wait, WTF is that?!?

When you whip is out in public, make sure you're a show-er not a grower.

The man on the left is pictured in the dictionary next to the word Show-er

When your dick's that big you don't need skills, technique, or even a personality.

Size doesn't matter when your sphincter and jaw are split in two.

Spotlight

L'Occitane

L’Occitane (pronounced lox-eat-on) is a French company that specializes in bath and beauty products inspired by Mediterranean ingredients. Their strength is their quality and products. When I worked there in 2004/05 I quickly discovered how well made each item is. Warning: The products are not cheap, but they make great gifts for mothers, sisters, and anyone who needs a little extra pampering.

L'Occitane was built and has survived on Shea Butter. Shea butter is a moisturizer that comes from a nut grown in Africa . If you have dry skin, this is a place for you. With 20% SB, the Shea Butter Hand Cream is the company’s best seller. It’s one of the best hand creams for sale. (Maybe even THE BEST) If you’re not a fan of lotion or moisturizer, check out their shea bar soaps. My favorite is lavender but they also come in Milk and Verbena. Milk is best for sensitive skin. Also check out their foot cream, it has arnica which is a natural anti-inflammatory.

If you don't like shea butter, L'Occitane has a lot of other unique gifts. Product categories include Lavender, Olive, Verbena, Almond, and Cade. visit: usa.loccitane.com

Shea Butter Hand Cream

Shea Butter Soaps

Cade (Men's) Collection

Verbena Candle

Lavender Gifts

Almond Body Scrub

Shea Butter Food Cream

Olive Face Cleanser

I Don't Eat That

I'm a picky eater. Tah Dah! (said with jazz hands) Some have said that I have the eating habits of a child. Yes it's true. I have such a strong aversion to new foods that in most cases I've never actually tried them. When I was little my mother never forced me to finish my dinner or eat something I didn't like. I guess that trend continued into adulthood. Eating is the one area where I have no desire to try new things. I'm perfectly content with my basic bland choices. There are a lot of foods I've never tried but here are some of the big ones:

The Big Five:

Chinese Food

Potato Salad

Macaroni Salad
Fish

Ham

To understand my food issues, you have to suspend rational thought for a bit. It all comes down to a couple basic points. The way food looks and smells in a major factor. Texture can also come into play. I'll start with Chineae food because that it the one that surprises people the most. Chineae food looks and smell absolutely disgusting. (The smell is also in my top 5 worst scents of all time) My thinking is: If it looks disgusting and smells disgusting, why would I want to eat it? Chinese food also represents a larger category of food that I dare not touch: "Ethnic." Mexican food is the most ethnic I get and even then it's only quesadillas. Indian, Tai, Vietnamese, and Japanese are an automatic no go.

Potato and Macaroni Salad are both on the list because they're cold food that should be warm. I imagine them being cold mush in mayo. Yuk. Next on the list is fish and it's rancid scent. The smell of tuna makes me gag. No explanation needed.

That brings us to ham. This one makes people laugh the most. When ham is cooked, it looks that way every other meat looks raw. Who wants to eat raw meat? Not I my friend. Again keep in my I said you needed to suspend rational thought. It really does look like a huge piece or raw meat though.

In general, if an item can be classified as colorful or full of flavor, most likely is not something I'd want to try. Also, I don't like when there is a mix of different textures. I detest nuts in brownies and cheese pizza is the only way to go (chicken is acceptable too)

By now you may be asking yourself "What does he eat?" Good question. I eat all the basics: Chicken, pasta, beef, turkey, cheese etc. I use the term favorite VERY loosely when it comes to vegetables but my favorite vegetables are carrots, broccoli and spinach. My motto for food is bland is always best.

The Best Awards. Part II

The Best Awards

-Personal-

Best Outfit: Summer White at J&O's Summer Party


Best Unexpected Trip: Going to Naples to visit my parents in February during a blizzard. To get a quick break from the snow and have the chance to relax in the sun on the beach was priceless.


Best Hotel Room: Boston's Omni Parker House


Best Gay Gasp Post: Fuck Listed


Best Free Concert: Salt-n-Pepa (Second item checked off on my Bucket List)

Best Gossip of the Year:  The summer party aftermath


Best Quote of the Year: "At least I didn't shit in your garage."


-Media-

Best Magazine Issue: InStyle October 2011 Featuring Ms. Piggy in an editorial fashion spread


Best TV Show: 1 Girl 5 Gays (Logo/MTV Canada)


Best Music: Adele

Best Exhibit: Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty. A total of 661,509 people attended putting in the top ten most popular exhibits at the Met. It also crossed of an item on my Bucket list.



Best TV Commercial:
Kia Soul featuring LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem



Best Movie: Crazy Stupid Love


Best Farwell: Oprah for the Oprah Winfrey Show


Best Website: Tumblr


Best Mobile App: Growlr


-Political, Global & Social-


Best Weather Knock Out: January Blizzards


Best Historical Moment: The repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell


Best Public Fuck Up: The Rapture on May 21 2011. The world didn't end. Oops.


Best Polictical Sex Scandel: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Was anyone surprised?

The Best Awards. Part 1

I am starting The Gay Gasp's Best Awards. A tribute to the best of the year both personal and national. As I started to list the Best of moment, Lady Gaga's name kept popping up. Therefore I'm giving her a dedicated post to recap the best she gave us is 2011.

Person of the Year: Lady Gaga

Best Magazine Cover: Vanity Fair January 2012 (which is released in December 2011)

Best Holiday Special: A Very Gaga Thanksgiving

Best Gaga Song of the Year: (Tie) Judas and Marry the Night.

Best Award Show Moment: Drag King Joe Calderone at the VMA's. Amazing!


Best Music Video Moment: The opening of Lady Gaga's Marry The Night video:

"I loathe reality. For example those nurses are wearing next season Calvin Klein... and so am I. The shoes, custom Giuseppe Zanotti. I tipped their gauze caps to the side like Parisian berets because I thinks it's romantic and I also believe mint will be very big in fashion next spring."

**Check back on Friday for the Rest of The Bests

Fat, Gay, and In Charge!

Wes (my sister's ex-husband) came over last Friday to pick up one of the pugs for the weekend. Kind of like divorced doggy visitation. As he was here visiting, he kept making tiny little snarky remarks and jabs at my sister. But of course it was all "just a joke." There was one comment that really pissed me off but I bit my tongue because it's non of my business. A little while later he made a joke about the "endless stream of guys coming in and out of my sisters room (now that's she dating)." That was the tiny straw that broke the camels back. I had enough.

Me: That's enough and don't say that to my sister every again. It's not funny and it's disrespectful.

Wes: WTF? It was a joke, calm down.

Me: I don't care, it's not funny. Don't say it again.

 

 

Wes LOST IT. I'll spare the long back story, but let's just say he has anger management issues. As I told my sister later, it was worth the risk of getting punched out. Someone had to stand up to him. I was also fascinated to see him get more and more upset as I sat there calm and collected. He got so flustered and angry that he left without taking a pug. I have to say I was very proud of myself. I am sick of "biting my tongue and being a doormat. Score one for me! My sister was surprised because she said she's never seen me get mad before. Honestly, it's extremely rare. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt or tell myself it's not worth getting upset. I used to think if you show your emotion then you've let them win. Fuck that! Sometimes in life you have to get angry and fight back.

Side Note: Wes' only comeback to me was about being gay and fat. As he got more upset, there were jabs like "Shut up Jabba the Hut," "I'm getting shit from a fat gay guy," and "Don't get your vagina in a twist." I was smart enough to keep my sassy tongue to myself. Although I WANTED to say, "Fat and gay? Duh! Come on, you can do better then that can't you?"

.

Joe's Spank Me Time