Joe's Spank Me Time

In honor of Sunday Football...

16 Pugs Just Doing the Best They Can

The struggle is real.

1. "Do I really have to get up and go to work?"

2. "When I get out of the shower I must resist the urge to get back into bed."

3. "Of course I wasn't looking at Tumlr at work..."

4. "Finally, number 30 will work as a profile picture."

5. "A sunny day on the boat means I can fart as much as I want."

6. "I've never eaten so much at once... Hey is that pumpkin pie?"

7. "Next year we are definitely getting a fake tree."

8. "I just bought a 70 inch television for $100 and I only had to stab 4 people to get it."

 9. "Sunday Funday!"

10. "I have to work tomorrow... Ok I'll just have one drink."

11. "I can't drink 12 beers like I used to."

12. "You mean I just packed all this up and now I have to unpack in all tomorrow across town?!"

13. "One day I hope I can afford furniture that I don't have to put together."

14. "A good walk an a sunny fall day."

15. "I want to kill who ever invented walking. Seriously, can we call a cab home."

16. "I don't need a sleeping pill, just put on ESPN."

All photos courtesy of @PugsofInstagram on Instagram

What Type of Bear Are You?

Are you a bear? Why do you consider yourself a bear? What does being a bear mean? There are many different answers to all of these questions. To help you formulate your answer I've decided to include and introductory guide to the most common species of bears out in the world. This will also help any of my non bear readers understand our culture a little better. While this list is just includes the most common of common there are many other kinds out there.

1. Wellington Bears- Wellington refers to Beef Wellington a dish of meat wrapped in dough. They are obsessed with the gym, protein shakes, and testosterone. To reward themselves after a rigorous gym routine they stop at Chipotle for an extra-large dinner and maybe an large Frosty for dessert at Wendys. They have the work out routine of a pro athlete and the eating habits of a dieter on cheat day. These beefy bears can easily be spotted on Growlr because their private pics are sure to include several locker room selfies.
Hashtag: BeastMode.

2. OOTW Bears- Probably the most common bear that everyone knows. OOTW obviously refers to 1987 sitcom Out Of This World. These bears run around pretending to stop and start time with their hands all the while wishing their dad would talk to them from a crystal block. The OOTW A-List is for bears whose father is actually named Troy.
Hastag: SwingingOnAStar

3. Buddha Bears- These are the guys who are in the middle of the Bear Chub venn diagram. You'll also find them at Chipotle but their gym membership expired a long time ago. Look for shirtless pics on Tuesday and love songs about the McRib. In this world a skinny bitch is anyone who weighs under 280lbs.
Hastage: NomNomNom

4. Orange Is The New Bears- Some guys do not discover their true bear identity until they're locked up behind bars. Months without a women and non stop weight lifting eventually penetrates even the tightest of closets. They prefer sex in the shower and use Ivory soap as lube. Christopher Melony is their beloved icon.
Hashtag: MakeMeYourBeecher

5. Chaser Me Bears- Not every bear likes other bears. These bears chase the chasers. They may like the attention they get from other bears but it's the smooth and skinny chasers that start their engines. They use Growlr out of necessity but Grindr is their first love. Asian or Latino chasers to the front of the line.
Hashtag: RiceQueen

Daddy Bears- People outside the bear community might not believe how popular Daddies are in our world. But as we all know there are so many young guys into the baby diaper fetish and they're are in desperate need of daddy to come and burp them. Trade in your lube and condoms for powder and baby wipes.
Hashtag: GoogooGaga

Lilith Bears- The tradition of the singer songwriter is alive and well with these husky homos. Some have even been known to pass for butch lesbian bikers at Lilith fair. Although they sing and play the acoustic guitar don't get too excited because they won't serenade you in your living room like you want them to.  Also there's a large overlap with the Flinstoner Bears. 
Hashtag: ArmsOfAnAngel

BASIC Bears- BASIC: Bears Against Sia's Irritating Chandelier. They really hate the Sia song Chandelier. Not to be confused with BASIK Bears who are Bears Against Sia in Karaoke. BASIK Bears like Chandelier but believe is should never be sung at karaoke. 
Hashtag: BASICBITCH

Flintstoner Bears- They are bears of all ages who all smoke A LOT of weed. Other favorite activities include drinking beer, naked swimming, and anything they can do while being completely high as a kite. Listen for intense conversations about moving to Colorado and California's vapor weed industry.
Hashtag: PeaceRally

Kodak Bears- If you haven't noticed photography has overtaken DJing as the number one bear hobby. Finding a bear photographer is as easy as finding a bear offering massages on Growlr. With the legalization of gay marriage growing, bear couples never need to hire a photographer for their wedding because they always have a "friend who is a photographer." Listen for intense debates about how Instagram is ruining photography. 
Hashtag: PicsbyBears

Oscar Bears- In the tradition of Oscar the Grouch these bears hate everything. Literally everything. If and when the world ends, look for Facebook posts such as "Great now my newsfeed is going to be full of all this end of world nonsense."
Hashtag: StupidPeopleHaveFeelings

Nazi Bears- These men believe that grammar should be absolutely perfect all the time and anyone who doesn't comply should be eradicated. Their dream world is one where all dyslexics are quarantined along with anyone who miss uses Who and Whom. No need to search for these nazis because they will be the first to make themselves known after any spelling mistake.
Hashtag: ThereTheirThey're

Bare Back Bears- This brotherhood believes that all men should be free to bare their back hair without shame at the beach. They want men to be able to play without the restrictions like rubber wet suites. Back Hair is beautiful. Their slogan is "Real men: Hairy and Raw"
Hashtag: BBBH

Santa Bears- Like so many others, these bears fantasize about having sex with Santa. The bushy white beard, black books, and bouncing belly is their ultimate fap fantasy. They can often be found childless standing in line at the mall waiting to get their picture taken. 
Hashtag: TheRealMrsClause

Crazy Good

Crazy In Love was Beyonce's first single as a solo artist after leaving Destiny's Child. It's one of those songs that is impossible not to shake your booty to. You'll find even the most stoic conservative bouncing his head when it comes on. It instantly puts you in a better mood. Guess what, if you're drunk at a bar and Crazy In Love comes on you are getting your sloppy ass to the dance floor no matter what. While I'm not a diehard Bee Hive member I've got to give the Queen B credit for a job well done. This song is still as good as it was back in 2003. Keep an eye out for a Crazy In Love remake for the new 50 Shades of Grey movie. The redo is still Beyonce but done in a haunting Lana Del Rey style.

Dominic The Donkey

Until I moved to Texas I had never heard of Dominic the Donkey. If you are unfamiliar it is apparently a well know Christmas. It also hold the title as the most bizarre Christmas song on earth. At least the guy in the video is cute.

Why Do You Care What I Think?

I'm fantastic. I'm a perfect person and generally right about everything. Style, sass, and big  balls have made the envy of everyone who knows me. Because I'm so wonderful I can sometimes judge people too quickly. It's like an instinctual reflex that's ingrained in my DNA. I can't help it. What are us perfect people to do?! People often get defensive and want to know what gives me the right to judge anyone. Instead of giving them references to prove my perfection, I simply ask "Why do you care what I think of you?"

If you haven't realized yet that my claims of perfection are a joke then guess what... I'm judging you. In all seriousness though, why do you care what I think? Does my judgment have any affect on your daily life?  No. I'm the textbook definition of a nobody. Granted I truly think I'm fantastic but I'm an otherwise boringly average husky homo with a flair for dramatic opinions. What I rant and rave about is usually meaningless in the big picture. The only opinion's that should matter are from your close friends/loved ones and the people who have control over your job. So unless they're fucking you or firing you, you shouldn't lose sleep over their opinions. I always stand behind my opinions but the only thing they should give you is some mild entertainment while you're on the toilet.

Although I'm a nobody I subscribe to the idea that if I'm going to say it, I'm at least going to say it like I mean it. Conviction is the very important when giving an opinion. However just because I say something with conviction doesn't mean I'm not talking out of my ass. I write this blog for entertainment and in no way should you ever take anything I say too seriously. I've also learned over the years that typing something on a website adds a lot of false weight to it. Because it's in print there tends to be a false assumption of truth and importance. For example it always makes me laugh when celebrities get upset over what internet trolls say about them. Take Mariah Carey, she's gotten to the very top of her field with decades of proven success. She's ridiculously wealthy and never needs to work another day in her life. Yet she still cares about what the nameless faceless Twitter accounts say about her. Why the hell does she care? Shake it off Mariah.

As I said above, the opinions of your close friends should matter. Just because someone is a Facebook friend doesn't make them a close friends. A good way to tell the difference is how much you communicate with that person outside of social media. Of my many friends I only a handful of close friends and only one best friend. That handful are the people and opinions I care about because they care about me. You should feel the same way. Focus on the people who actually matter in your life and everyone else is simple amusement. I wish I could give people the gift of confidence so they would trust their instincts and choices. Always put other people's opinions into perspective. I mean seriously, do you want to become Mariah Carey?

In conclusion, I will continue to judge and openly and honestly. If that offends you I ask you to stop and ask yourself that ever important question "Why do I care what he thinks?"

Hammacher Schlemmer Gifts for the Holidays

visit Hammacher Schlemmer for details

Shirtless Movie Review: Birdman

En Vogue

The video quality is poor but the song still gets be boppin'

Murphy Brown

Murphy Brown was such a good show. I need to start DVRing the reruns.

He's An A-List Bear

Like many others my high school was full of cliques. There were the cheerleaders and the jocks who were the stereotypical popular crowd. Popular mostly because they fit the textbook mold and less because they were well liked or adored. Then there was the stereotypical nerds and losers. The interesting thing was that the nerds chose that label themselves as a sort of badge of honor. Much like Janis and Damian they were proud not to be a part of the plastics. I was sort of a floater around school and didn't really identify with one main crowd but I did know people at both ends of the spectrum. I would sit in English class and hear all the goings on amongst the nerds. Then off to History where I'd get filled in with all the popular crowd drama. Without fail the popular kid stories were always phenomenally boring. Basically every weekend they would go hang out in the parking lot of McDonalds (or Friendly's) and get drunk. The only interesting bits were when one of the cheerleaders would get arrested for shoplifting at the mall. On the flip side, the nerds had more stories than Hemingway. One of my favorite stories was how one of the more 'uniquely pretty' girls was dating her boss as work. Not only was her boss married but his wife was currently dying of cancer.  I would listen to all their escapades with bewildered amusement. As for the popular crowd, I would often have to fake interest in their mundane lives. 

As I've grown up the cliques of high school have never gone away. Not because life is like high school but because high school is like life. Much the same way the notion of a bear A-list is always whispered and gossiped about as being atop the exclusive gay hierarchy. As in high school I have the benefit of floating amongst many different types of bears, some of who would even be pointed at as A-listers. Trust me when I tell you the honest truth that there is no such thing as an A-list bear. Instead I've come to realize there are some social realities at play which often get confused with an A-list. 

The A-listed is often labeled such by people who feel they are not apart of it. The next time you see a bear and think he's not talking to you because he's too A-list remember a very important detail: He might just be shallow and boring. If you did start up a conversation with that "A-list" bear I bet you'd discover that no only did you have absolutely nothing in common but that he's actually incredibly dull. Unfortunately guys who won the gene pool lottery usually are never forced to develop any sort of personality. Their looks get them anywhere they need to go. The rest of us have had to develop wit, kindness, humor, and every other social skill in order to survive. So while it's true that some pretty people only hang out with other pretty people it's because their friendship is bonded by those shallow boring personalities. If you doubt anything I'm saying I want to picture in your mind the hottest most A-list bear you can think of. Let me guess, the bear you're thinking of tends to be very quiet and shy in person and if he comes out of his shell it's only online. Guess what it's not that he's too shy it's that he's so beige that he literally has nothing to say. He only knows how to communicate by being cute or wearing tight shirts. While those bears are a home run at a bar, they're a little awkward and pathetic at brunch then next morning when you actually try and hold a conversation with them. Much like the popular kids in my high school, the supposed A-list is often drab and unexciting in reality. It's a phenomena that is true the world over and not exclusive to bears. In college I remember going to a party with the extremely rich and privileged gays of Amherst college. While their dorms were nicer than my parents house, the actual party was incredibly boring. Everyone was just posing and cared more about how they looked than genuine conversation. Trust me and choose the D list party with bears who don't give shit because I guarantee it's going to be much more fun.

Remember, the next time you think a guy isn't talking to you because he's an A-list snob take a moment and feel bad for him because he's probably just a boring bear blessed with a pretty face.

P.S. The beauty of this post is that no one can claim to be offended because that would imply they thought of themselves as A-list and that's embarrassing enough.

Sneak Peak: Cinderella

Kitchen Table Talk

It seems like every day there is a new story of some celebrity getting in trouble for what they've said on Twitter or Instagram. Last week Kloe Kardashian had to apologize for making posting this KKK joke on Instagram that some found offensive. While some scandals are just bad jokes and over sensitive fans there are instances where comments are so offensive that it actually leads to the lose of work. Take popular radio host Anthony Cumia who was fired earlier this year for his extensive racist rant on Twitter. Whether you agree or disagree with what these an other celebrities say doesn't matter. The real point is that we've all said things as bad or worse amongst friends. If all of our most private conversations were aired to the world we would sound like horrific people. In fact I've agreed with controversial comments before but thought to myself, "I mean you're right but you don't say that shit out loud. People are going to burn you at the steak." Luckily most of us know the difference between the things you say in public and the things you say in private. If someone at work asked you your opinion about a coworker you might give a very politically correct answer like "He's very enthusiastic and while he doesn't have a lot of experience he does bring a fresh perspective to the table." However if you were home you'd probably say something more akin to "He's a dumb fuck who got his job because his giant dick is plowing the boss." Our private opinions would not always do us well if shared publicly. Wendy Williams refers to it as Kitchen Table Talk. Kitchen table talk refers to the conversations you have around your kitchen table when you say the opinions and thoughts that you'd only share with your most trusted inner circle. It may be hyper controversial opinions about race relations or highly questionable gossip about a mutual friend. Either way, it's a conversation that usually starts with something like "Just between us..."

If you've read this blog for an extended amount of time you know that I'm a pretty honest and there is not much I won't say. I think most topics are best discussed openly and honestly and no one benefits from ignoring it. With that said, you may be surprised to know that there are topics and opinions that I choose to keep to myself. The list is short but it ranges from strong opinions about local acquaintances to highly charged political topics that many disagree on. Not every thought I have is worthy of a blog post. So far I've been pretty good at knowing where to draw the line but it is a constant struggle to know how much is too much.

My advice, save the salty talk for brunch with your bestie. As the old saying goes: If you have nothing nice to say, come sit by me.

Missed Connection Monday

I love reading Craigslist Missed Connections. Did you ever read the bizarre personals in the back of trashy gay magazines? Well in this electronic age Craigslist has replaced those.

Handing sitting is the height of anonymous sex intimacy

 Did he mean livin on the edge? ZOMG Is this Steven Tyler?!?

 The last time crazy was in the woods Ned Beatty squealed like a pig

  Mario Kart skills + Polla con leche = True Love

A rare moment of honesty

 Calling all the smelly men...

 Thank god there aren't many guys with dogs on Cedar Springs.

Oddly vague yet oddly specific  

 I'm sure he had no trouble tracking his mystery man down. 

 Spa Castle: A none gay all male naked spa... 

 

Big Boys? Save the hypnosis money and download Growlr  

 If it works out maybe he'll become his winter ascot 

Hey, this one actually sounds familiar...